A SUTHUN-NESS Test...How Southern Are you?

I found this test on the net, and was astounded that I could actually answer better than half of the questions. Most Non-Suthunaz can only get one or two, maybe 3. How well can you do? I've placed the answers below each question, hidden in the colors. Take the whole test before checking your answers. (To see the whole answer, click three (3) times on the word 'Answer' below each question.) Post your score in the comments.

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
Answer: 7
2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
Answer: 43 Red and blue.
3) Bill Dance is good at what?
Answer: Fishin', He has a TV show: Bill Dance Outdoors.
4) What university does Bill Dance root for?
Answer: Univ. of Tennessee (The Volunteers)
5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
Answer: Univ. of Georgia
6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
Answer: Hard Peanuts
7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
Answer: 283 cu. in.
8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
Answer: French
9) What is a chigger?
Answer: a Redbug (A parasite)
10) What is scrapple?
Answer: A sausage like loaf made from pig parts.
11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
Answer: Panama City Beach, FL
12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
Answer: Spanish Moss
13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, ___.
Answer: Evinrude
14) What's the common name for a bowfin?
Answer: Mudfish
15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Answer: Nothing, a steer usually has been castrated.
16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
Answer: Hank Williams Sr.
17) What are grits made out of?
Answer: corn
18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
Answer: Paul Bryant, sorry, COACH Paul Bryant.
19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
Answer: Pollen in the air.
20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Answer: "The Recipe", an elixir
21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
Answer: Miss Helen Crump
22) What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
Answer: WSM (Nashville)
23) Where would you find Vidalia County?
Answer: Georgia
24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
Answer: Calf ropin'
25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
Answer: Mandolin
26) What are scuppernongs?
Answer: Wild grapes
27) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Answer: Yes, the keep the kudzu (a weed) from getting out of control.
28) What color is General Lee?
Answer: Orange
29) What do you call the offspring of a mule?
Answer: Nothing, Mules are usually sterile.
30) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
Answer: Tobacco

So, how did you do?
up to 4, you's a yankee.
5-10 Suthuna Wannabe
11-16 Suthun Undergrad.
16+ Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit, you beat my score and are probably either a true suthuna or you cheated. Either way, hope you had fun with the test.

Invention Intervention - The Flower Vase

When I'm looking for things to include in this blog, I am always surprised at both the simplicity of the inventions and the additions.

Take this one for example. First, our Suthun Inventor has taken a simple plastic jug and turned it into a flower vase. In so doing, he has left the label on the jug for either decorative purposes or perhaps because... ok, I got to admit, I don't' know any other reason to leave the label on. In most houses, flower vases seem to multiply faster than wire hangers get tangled, but maybe that's just I was raised in the Wayust. (West....sorry, my accent seems to get stronger when I type.)

Now, to the credit of this particular Suthun Inventor, we also note the fact that he has taken a sticky note and labeled the 'flower' itself. Perhaps this is why the label has been left on the jug, to complete the theme: Labeled Flower, labeled Jug.

Simple. Brilliant. Southern.

Welcome to the South. Put them flares in a jug and get yerself a beer from the fridge.

The Lawn Ranger's Tools of the Trade

Along with a good Lawn Mower, the suburban Lawn Ranger needs a good string trimmer. One needs a good string trimmer to edge the lawn, get into the corners and attract cicadas.

A few years back, I purchased a good string trimmer at a local garage sale for $15. Every year I would adjust, pull the rope, clean, pull the rope, adjust, and pull that rope (lather rinse, repeat...) literally hundreds of times to get it working. Many times it did not. (Let me state now for the record, that if I ever find myself in a dark alley and meet the inventor of the Rope Pull for string trimmers, well, let's just say it wouldn't be pretty...)

I regret to say that the $15 Yard Sale Special string trimmer finally bit the big one. I'd had enough. My arm is permanently disfigured from pulling that rope and it was just time. Off to the Big Hardware Store where I found me a new one. (Oh Joy, tra la, tra lay!)

And yeah, it has a rope.

I was excited to get it home and get the lawn trimmed. Open the box and read the instructions...Pull the Rope. Sigh. Isn't there some inventor out there who can invent a...wait! WHAT is THIS??

My new string trimmer has a hole in one end made for an ELECTRIC STARTER. Oh I basically am a-quiver with excitement! Push a button and the trimmer starts? Be still my beating heart! I swoon with..ok ok enough of that. Neighbor Bubba would look askance at me....

I can't afford it just yet, but mark my words, there will come a day soon that the electric starter is mine, working hand in hand (or whatever passes for hand in hand to a string trimmer) with magical results.

Until then, thank god, the trimmer is starting nicely. My arm still hurts, but it is starting nicely.

Lawn looks good, too.

A Moment in Nashville Time

It is perhaps amazing to note that even during the heat of the last couple of weeks, I still walked to the bus almost every morning. It's something I'm proud to say I do 3-5 times a week, 52 weeks a year; a distance of a mile and a quarter. (Ok, I exaggerate, it's actually a mile and an eighth, but a mile and a quarter sounds so much better. So sue me.)

Usually, when I arrive at the bus shelter (our bus stop has one of only a few 'shelters' on our route. It's a typical 3 sided glass box with a nice roof that actually doesn't leak during the rain) I am the first of anywhere from 2-5 people who ride from this location. You can imagine my surprise to arrive and find someone seated in the shelter. However, it was not one of my fellow bus patrons.

One time in the past, the bus shelter became the 'home-away-from-home' for a homeless woman who lives in the area. She has her own issues and is a bit of a staple to those who live in our semi-rural area. This new person was not her. (Was not she? Bubba? Grammar?) No, it was some older long haired grubby guy whose shirt was open and showing off his hairy abdomen, and let me tell you, this guy really puts the 'dome' in 'abdomen.' His fly was open, he had a rope for a belt and he wasn't wearing shoes. To top this entire visage, he was drunk as a skunk.

Now, part of me is amazed at the ability of someone to remain totally drunk throughout the evening and even into the early morning. This takes dedication. The rest of me just wants to stay upwind and not 'engage' in any conversations. Since there was no rain, I could stand up wind about 30 feet and watch for the bus. I had about 15 minutes to wait (damn my walking speed!)

During the entire 15 minute wait, every minute or so, this guy would make a noise somewhat akin to the sound a wounded buffalo makes while lifting a heavy sack of potatoes. This tactic, in case you didn't know, is used to get me to react. "Oh Gee," thinks the mark (me), "this poor guy must be hurt, mayhaps run through with a sword by a passing ninja. Being the good person I am, I shall endeavor to check on his personal state!" Checking on him only gets you information in the "Got a dollar?" concepts of conversation. I stayed upwind.

Soon, two more of my Bus Riding Compatriots showed and we all stayed upwind. The thing in the bus shelter (whom I had come to refer to as "Stinky the Drunk" or Drunky for short for obvious reasons) came out once and we simply told him to be off. "Off with you, vile vagabond! Henceforth I shall call a constable with my wireless telephonic contraption!" (Yes, I'm afraid I do talk that way. Sometimes it works, other times people stare with their mouths agape.) This time however, it was one of the other guys who chased him off. Using less Victorian words. Stinky the Drunk got the idea and stumbled back into the bus shelter. We went back to waiting for the bus.

Now. Along comes the bus and the real reason for this wonderful story. As we assemble our cases, lunches and assorted umbrellas in anticipation of boarding the ride to work, we glance over to the bus shelter only to see a sight that shocks us to our core. Stinky the Drunk has stumbled out to wait for and (supposedly) board the bus. I'm pretty sure that the bus driver will have none of his antics, but before we get to that, one of the aforementioned Bus Riding Compatriots looks over my shoulder and gives forth a hearty "OH, HAYL NO!"

Turning back, I see that not only has Drunky gathered together a bag of 'personal belongings' (god knows what's in that plastic bag...) but in so doing, he has also apparently allowed more of his physical person to hang in the morning breeze than was visible before. Before I can do anything more than laugh at the sight of this poor schlub* with his 'bizznezz' hanging out, one of the other guys goes over to read him the riot act and explain that he will not be riding the bus this morning. Again, mentions of official constabulary get him to not only NOT ride the bus but to vacate the premises entirely. I've not seen him since.

I have total empathy for homeless people in a sort of a 'There but for the grace of God.." sort of thought processes. If things had turned out differently, I might find myself in a similar position. When it comes to people who, for one reason or another are overcome by the forces of alcohol, I don't understand, but I do have some compassion. Drunks like Stinky? I can also have a bit of compassion for them, but geez, at least zip up a bit before you head to the bus shelter!

Life in the South is always new and adventurous.

-----------------------------------------------

*Schlub: Yiddish (thanks mom) Unkempt in appearance, either due to lack of effort or lack of awareness.

Hillbilly Chrome

There are a lot of terms that Suthunaz use that tend to confuse me. Even though I have lived here a long time, I just have trouble using these phrases and making them sound honest. Words like:

"eskover" (es-KOV-er)... as in "Hey, eskover tuh thuh Quicky Mart and get us a beer."

"ohvawls" (OH-valz) ... as in "I'm gonna get dressed for dinner. I'm gonna put on my good clean ohvawls and some shoes. "

There are phrases which only the Suthunah can come up with, too. Phrases such as "She's a comin' up a cloud" which is an indication that the weather may turn bad soon.

Perhaps the one that makes the most sense and one which sees more use, is "Hillbilly Chrome." Used to indicate the use of Duct Tape in repairing an automobile. But more than that, this indicates the use of Duct Tape to cover or maybe REcover an area of the bumper, fender or the like. At the top of the page you can see an excellent use of Hillbilly Chrome. I am especially enamored of the use of the clear plastic drinking cup as a light cover.

Conversely, even though the use of Duck Tape in this next photo is well done, nice large strips, evenly applied. It does not qualify as Hillbilly Chrome.


And no, neither of these cars sits in my driveway.

Slimming down the Mail Box

Along with the constant mowing of my lawn, I have pointed out time and time again how things grow so freakingly fast here in The South. Bushes seem to appear almost overnight and trees reach down branches to snag my nifty 'Turf War Pith Helmet' on each pass with the mower.

This last weekend, I mowed the lawn. Ok, so I actually FINISHED mowing the lawn, having mowed the front yard the week before and felt I had to get the back done this week along with the front. If I left the back go much longer, I'm pretty sure I'd be setting up safari's into the deep back corner, where light rarely shines.

Then I noticed the mail box. Yeah, that's it in the pic above. Cute, huh? Sort of like a free form topiary Cousin Itt. (Yes, I know a lot of people won't catch that reference, so let's just chalk it up to my referencing my age once again and move on, yes?)

12-15 years ago, my lovely daughter planted a little flower at the base of the mailbox. Every year it gets bigger and bigger. Turns out it was some sort of vine and with the moisture we get, it grows incredibly fast - what you see above is one year's growth. Yes. One year. The problem is that the thing has flowers on it and they attract bees and wasps. The mailman gets upset; I get upset and then the wife gets upset. And with all that upset, well, Cousin Itt's days are always numbered.

So, once a year I cut back the big fluffy thing with the big string trimmer. It doesn't take much, as it's mostly holding itself up. I use the big string trimmer to cut a big swath down the back and then fold it back, like some sort of botanical autopsy. A few hacks with a big buck knife and it's loose. I then roll the whole mess into the wheelbarrow, and over into the brush pile it goes!
The pictures show it all. My back is screaming in protest and my clothes are soaked in sweat (gotta love the hot humidity of the south...if I keep saying that maybe I'll believe it someday...) And to think that this thing grows this much in just one year!

So, there's my mailbox, all slim and trim and ready for the rest of the hot humid summer.Yes, for those who notice these things (brother Bubba always reads this blog) the numbers are blacked out. I am nothing if not security conscious.

Now, there are two bushes and a tree which have grown up out of seeming nowhere, which I need to add to the brush pile. With all this heat, however, it may have to wait until the fall. Or at least until my back feels a bit better.

Suiting up for the Turf Wars

I mowed my lawn today...finally. In the South, the rains come this time of year and I am one of those guys who will not mow a wet lawn. So, for the last 14 days we've had rain just about every day, which means basically that my lawn didn't get mowed. Today, temps in the 90s and humidity hovering around 237% I had to get out and mow...or maybe swim...

As any regular reader will know, I am not from the South. I grew up in Colorado and as I've told any one who will listen, if there ain't any frost on the window, I ain't happy. Heat and I are not good friends. So, with this in mind, you will not be surprised that it can take me a while to get ready to mow the lawn, even in the cool morning. (Yeah, it was 80 degrees about 7 am this morning.)

My outfit consists of the following: First, to keep the heat off my head, I have a nice wide white pith helmet made of hard plastic. Its original design was to be a hard hat so it sits on my head and allows air to pass up and through keeping my scalp cool. I use a blue bandanna to catch the sweat which runs in little rivers usually down my face and onto my glasses. I also have a terry cloth towel (slightly larger than a hand towel) soaked in cool water which I keep around my neck to also keep me cool. Yes, it is a vision right out of an Edgar Rice Burroughs novel, and I fully expect Tarzan to come out of behind the shed and convulse with laughter, but that's not the point here..at least I don't think it is.

I have a special pair of old jeans I use for doing yard work and a couple of tee-shirts also specially designated for this one activity. I finish this up with either an old smelly pair of sneakers which I have demoted to yard duty (or by the smell is that "doody?"). Additionally, on hot days like this, I have a pair of hard rubber garden clogs which help keep my feet just a bit cooler.

That's right, a pair of clogs. No extra weight in hot socks, and they allow me to slip them off and walk in the soft grass when things get especially uncomfortable. They're hard rubber and I have to admit, when my feet start to sweat, I can be slipping and sliding around in them with every step. Not the safest thing to be working with power tools I have to admit, but I didn't say I was smart. I'll blame it on the humidity, ok?

No one has said anything about my 'Ensemble de Lawn ' (other than the wife) but I'm not sure if that's because they haven't actually SEEN me in it, or are just to Suthun Polite to mention it.