Wednesday, June 30, 2010

When the Spit hits the Fan.

I’m at a point where I truly believe that when you move to the south, something in the water or the food or perhaps even something in the very air we breathe causes the average male Suthunah to have more saliva than they need. Unfortunately, I am also under the belief that this excess saliva (aka ‘spit’) may be poisonous or at the very least detrimental to the well being of a good ol' boy and therefore cannot be swallowed. This , in turn, causes them to want to get rid of the excess saliva (et al) in a most disgusting public manner. This can be seen in the very fact that Suthun men constantly spit excess saliva onto the roadways, sidewalks and god knows what else on a daily basis along with tobacco juice, gum, and all manner of non edible items which they’ve carefully and completely chewed into a sopping mess.

The well documented Southern Moment includes not one but two instances of excess saliva (et al) being expectorated onto the roadways, albeit accompanied by a generous and somewhat disgusting gob of tobacco juice. I say it was tobacco juice, as I am not really sure. I only know it was nearly black, had the consistency of lumpy gravy and is still out there sitting in the middle of the road to this very day.

Let us refer to this as the Surplus Spit Syndrome (SSS) or when the expectoration includes unidentifiable matter, Expectorated Stuff Syndrome (ESS). I’ve found gobs of this ESS/SSS on the sidewalks in front of the symphony hall, government offices and entertainment complexes. There is no real pattern nor understanding to its occurrence. It is the fact that they feel somewhat justified in getting rid of this spit/junk/unidentifiable-gob whenever the feeling overtakes them that causes those of us with human sensibilities to become rather disgusted.

Dr. Bubba J. Johnson of the Fictitious Information Bureau (FIB) suggests that this can be likened to the animals in the wild who feel the need to ‘mark’ their territory. “The Southern man feels the need to somehow identify that he has been to a particular location.” Explains Dr. Johnson. “Unable to mark the spot in the way of his ancestors, he is forced to expectorate saliva, regardless of the matter contained in his mouth at the time. The more they do this, the more the body is compelled to create more [spit].”

So, ok, that makes more sense. Driven back to one’s ancestry, the wild animals, the southern man is only doing what comes naturally. This may also explain a lot of other behavior that the Southern Man does when NOT in public. But, for the moment, let’s leave that for another time. Now, if I can just get my spit to not dribble on my shirt dickey, I'll be doing a lot better.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Ingenuity, thy name is Suthun...

This car is fun to look at for two reasons. First and foremost, it's located in a Walmart Parking lot. Walmart is the mecca of of the South, and usually populated by such a wide cross section of the populace that it may be worthy of study some day. There are websites dedicated to the sightings of strange creatures and stories of same all from your local Walmart (the World's largest Retailer.)

Second, the owner of this car has made some well thought out and administered modifications to his car. Take a close look. THat wood piece on the back, at first looks like your basic air foil, designed to keep the car from flying off into space (never mind that whole gravity thing).

Looking closer, you can see actual thought processes at work. 1) the Air Foil is placed against the back of the car and not on the trunk, allowing that the weight of said wood air foil would make opening the trunk more difficult than it already is. But more importantly, 2) the air foil is a DUAL ACTION Air Foil. It's low and flat and can therefore be used for TAILGATING at the local sports field! Now there is some great design work!

I love the south, don't you?

Monday, June 14, 2010

That's not Bait!

There is an old joke (and I'm an old jokester) which says that Sushi has existed in the South for a long long time. We just call it BAIT. (Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week...)

Sushi, if you are not in the know, is a Japanese dish described as cold cooked rice dressed with vinegar that is shaped into bite-sized pieces and topped with raw or cooked fish, or formed into a roll with fish, egg, or vegetables and wrapped in seaweed. Just sort of makes you want to sit right down and eat...and I'm sure it's that mention of 'raw fish' that does it. Right?

My late mother loved sushi. She visited Japan when I was a little tyke (I stayed home) and had a love of sushi ever since. She loved to tell me of a place she found in California on vacation where she could get 'all you can eat' sushi, and yes, she would eat all she could eat and then some.

So, to bring this back to the South, recently a new oriental restaurant opened in our fair city advertising Japanese and Oriental Cuisine. Amazingly, it is within walking distance of our house. (It's actually about a mile, but to me that's walking distance. To most, any more than a trip to the next door neighbor is a need for a fossil fueled conveyance but as usual, I digress...)

Every few months, I can talk my wife into lunch at some Oriental All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and to be sure, there are several in our area. So, amazingly enough we ended up at this new place. Also amazingly, I discover that they have one of the largest selections of sushi I have ever seen this side of a bass fishin' tournament. They had Boston rolls, Tuna rolls, veggie rolls, California rolls, sushi of every type and style.

Now comes the part where I nearly lost it. I am sitting at the table, eating my usual General Tso's Chicken. I've got a nice Spring Roll and some sort of seafood dish, and my wife sits down with a plate of Sushi. I couldn't believe my eyes. This lovely lady across from me is about to eat some raw fish. RAW. FISH.

Well, to make a long story short, I had to try it. If only to honor my mother who tried to get me to try it for so long. I got myself a plate of sushi, some Wassabi (Very little, that stuff is like Nuclear Horshradish and will eat a hole in your tongue!) and true to the memory of my sainted mother, I even had a second plate. This may keep me from becoming a true member of the Suthun Good Ol' Boys Club, but I have to say, I really enjoyed it.

The place has become a regular stop of ours, and every time, ever single time, I think of my mother and wonder how she'd find the quality.  Southern Sushi.  Who woulda thought?

Monday, June 7, 2010

Confederate Memorial Day

Last Monday we celebrated Memorial Day (US) where we remember those who have given their lives in honor of our country. On Tuesday, I was driving down the street near the Hermitage and saw the above banner. Now, I understand the idea of Memorial day, a day we remember those who have given their life in defence of that which we believe in. But what exactly this this? Good question!

Confederate Memorial Day, also known as Confederate Decoration Day (Tennessee) and Confederate Heroes Day (Texas), is an official holiday and/or observance day in parts of the U.S. South as a day to honor those who died fighting for the Confederate States of America during the American Civil War.

Now, to some it might seem like a rather incongruous thing to celebrate and at first, even I was a bit surprised at the idea.... In effect, honoring those who died defending values we now find reprehensible such as Slavery. But at the same time, these are our forefathers, our history, our family. (Not mine, I'm from Colorado...)

Additoinally, this happens in the same U.S. South which has problems displaying the "Southern Cross" (aka, the Confederate Battle Flag). Can the two exist simultaneously? The uninitiated might say No. You'd be wrong.

What must be understood here, is that the Confederate Memorial Day does not stand for the beliefs as does the flag (or it would seem), but rather, it is for the memory of those who fought to preserve a way of life. Regardless of how we now feel, one has to take that fervor, that willingness to die for what one believes in and honor those who did. And Honor we do...well, at least 7 Suthun States that do and I'm happy to be part of one that does.

Just one more reason to love the South.