Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Toilet Seat Conspiracy

The position of the Toilet seat has been the subject of more jokes, discussion and I wager, even a few divorces than I could probably want to name. A recent movie I watched even used it as a clue to the location of the killer. The toilet seat. Up or Down? (In the movie, the UP Toilet seat proved that a man had been in the room recently.) In fact, this blog garnered a wonderful argument with my wife when I first posted this diatribe, but a rewrite may help. So, let's see...

Who's in charge of this whole problem? Not the women, that's for sure (are you reading the sarcasm in that?) In essence, yes, the women as a whole ARE to blame, for creating - or at least propagating - the Conspiracy itself. The Toilet Seat Conspiracy Theory is that MEN are in charge of the position of the toilet seat and leaving the seat in the UP Position is tantamount to a declaration of War. I've known couples to nearly come to blows over the position of the toilet seat. Women INSIST that men should put the seat down after they are done. Their reasoning is that more times the seat is needed down, so why not return it? THIS IS THE CONSPIRACY! Now before we go on, we must clarify, the SEAT is that part where you SIT when you need to sit. We're not talking about the Lid. The discussion of Lid: Up or Down may be saved for another article. And to be sure, in our house we have a cat who, if left to her own devices, will "play" in the toilet bowl, leaving quite a mess. So, by that need, our lids are always closed. Both parties must look and raise the lid before use. And all must return the lid to it's closed position. This RULE in our house works well as it is universal.

Now, Closing the lid may seem to some to be just a 'courtesy' to the next user but again, this is not where my attention is directed. I am directing this expose' at those women who insist that the seat be where they can use it without looking whenever the need arises.

You see, that's the real reason that women insist on having the seat down (though very few will admit it) - WOMEN DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LOOK FIRST! That's right. They feel somehow it is their right to merely back into position and have the seat in position for them. Did their mother's teach them this? Handed down Mother to Daughter for generations? "Don't look, sweety, just back up to it and sit. The seat will be has been ordained thus!"

Yes, it's true. And women know it's true! I knew one woman who many times sat down without looking and got her backside rather wet from not having the seat in place. Whose fault is that? Mine for not returning the seat to the DOWN position or Hers for not looking before she sat down on the [raised] seat? You know where I contend the fault lay.... And there are a lot of women out there who won't admit that they also don't look first, when in fact, they insist that men SHOULD look first. And it's not just the "Do you sprinkle when you tinkle, then please be neat and raise the seat" kind of thing. If a man were to need the seat up for cleaning, repairing or maybe because he spent his lunch hour at Taco Bubba's putting away several of Bubba's Burrito Bombs (with the Devils' HellFire Sauce and extra onions!) he would of course, look first and raise the seat as needed. It's the seemingly unnecessary rule of returning the seat to its down position for no other reason than it be ready for 'her highness' to back up to that I rail against. The rule is only for men, so that women don't have to look before they sit!

There have even been those women (my wife) who state that the seat's natural 'position' is in the horizontal, or down position, and thus it should always remain thus.  AH, but this argument does not include the LID!  Remember the lid? That nice cover which keeps my own cats from leaving messy little paw prints all over the bowl and parts of the newly decorated bathroom?  If our argument above is to be believed, then the LID must ALSO be kept in the horizontal/down position.  But if a man were to do this, he'd also get in trouble as again, women don't want to look first!

Rules, like laws, should be as close to 100% universal as possible. In the question of the toilet seat, the rule is closer to only 50% and therefore unfair. It could be argued that the rule about women not going topless in public is also not fair, but this is not a rule or law which I am able to change. Toilet Seats are well within my purview.

So, what we agree needs to exist is a rule about toilet seats which is closer to universal (or at least as close as possible.) Given that the seat may be left up or down at any given time and that either a man or a woman may need to use the toilet at any given time, the only RESPECTABLE answer is that BOTH men and women adhere to a simple yet 100% UNIVERSAL rule:

Let's test our new rule with a couple of test subjects, one of each gender set.

MEN: A man enters to use the toilet. The seat can be in either (a) up or (b) down position. Using the new rule, the man LOOKS at the seat. He examines his need and adjusts the seat according to need: up or down. Does the rule work in this instance? Yes. Ding Ding! (ok, I love sound effects and background music, let's try not to dwell on it.) Yes, the rule works, we are now at about 50%.

WOMEN: A woman enters to use the toilet. (No, the man is not there, he left, get that image out of your head.) The seat can be in either (a) up or (b) down position. Using the new rule, the women LOOKS at the current position of the seat and adjusts to meet her need. (And let's face it, ladies, there ARE times when you DO want the seat up, like when you've spent the evening at Taco Bubba's scarfing down those fat 5 for a dollar Burritos followed by a wild night of drunken debauchery at the 'Skank Whole' Nightclub throwing dollar bills at the male strippers and imbibing an inordinate amount of dollar shots and cheap Margaritas. (Oh yes, there will be seat adjustments!) Does the rule work here? Yes. Even when Bubba's 5/$1 wonders are fighting the Monday Margaritas from the Skank Whole for an exit, (from either end) the rule still works. Ding ding! We are now at 100% Universal.

So it would seem to me that we can end a lot of arguing, a lot of divorces and a lot of wet fannies in the world if we all agree that a universal non-gender specific rule is in order for the Toilet Seat Dilemma. LOOK FIRST, ADJUST AS NEEDED. So, let's get the word out, Men - and ladies! The new rule: Look first, adjust as needed.

We won't, just yet, come up with a rule for staying away from Taco Bubba's or the Skank Whole and save that for another day.


  1. This is a great new rule.
    Keep up the good work and spread the word.

    Egonlinden (W1K)

  2. I second the movement (intended) for this new rule!


  3. Life can be so easy!
    I read in yet another article regarding this subject:
    Women, learn to operate the seat!! Us men must move it up, learn to move it down (if needed, when not have eaten the borritos, and drank several Margaritas, as mentioned earlier!)

  4. I agree with your proposed rule completely. On a different subject If'n y'all would take some deer slugs and your 12ga. and blow a bunch of holes in the bottom half of that there burnin' barrel it would burn better.