Wednesday, June 30, 2010

When the Spit hits the Fan.

I’m at a point where I truly believe that when you move to the south, something in the water or the food or perhaps even something in the very air we breathe causes the average male Suthunah to have more saliva than they need. Unfortunately, I am also under the belief that this excess saliva (aka ‘spit’) may be poisonous or at the very least detrimental to the well being of a good ol' boy and therefore cannot be swallowed. This , in turn, causes them to want to get rid of the excess saliva (et al) in a most disgusting public manner. This can be seen in the very fact that Suthun men constantly spit excess saliva onto the roadways, sidewalks and god knows what else on a daily basis along with tobacco juice, gum, and all manner of non edible items which they’ve carefully and completely chewed into a sopping mess.

The well documented Southern Moment includes not one but two instances of excess saliva (et al) being expectorated onto the roadways, albeit accompanied by a generous and somewhat disgusting gob of tobacco juice. I say it was tobacco juice, as I am not really sure. I only know it was nearly black, had the consistency of lumpy gravy and is still out there sitting in the middle of the road to this very day.

Let us refer to this as the Surplus Spit Syndrome (SSS) or when the expectoration includes unidentifiable matter, Expectorated Stuff Syndrome (ESS). I’ve found gobs of this ESS/SSS on the sidewalks in front of the symphony hall, government offices and entertainment complexes. There is no real pattern nor understanding to its occurrence. It is the fact that they feel somewhat justified in getting rid of this spit/junk/unidentifiable-gob whenever the feeling overtakes them that causes those of us with human sensibilities to become rather disgusted.

Dr. Bubba J. Johnson of the Fictitious Information Bureau (FIB) suggests that this can be likened to the animals in the wild who feel the need to ‘mark’ their territory. “The Southern man feels the need to somehow identify that he has been to a particular location.” Explains Dr. Johnson. “Unable to mark the spot in the way of his ancestors, he is forced to expectorate saliva, regardless of the matter contained in his mouth at the time. The more they do this, the more the body is compelled to create more [spit].”

So, ok, that makes more sense. Driven back to one’s ancestry, the wild animals, the southern man is only doing what comes naturally. This may also explain a lot of other behavior that the Southern Man does when NOT in public. But, for the moment, let’s leave that for another time. Now, if I can just get my spit to not dribble on my shirt dickey, I'll be doing a lot better.

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