A Big Step Toward the Goal

For almost 25 years I've been trying to fit in as a southerner. This last weekend, I came a big step closer. But first, we need to go back a week and sort of build up. It all started a week ago Sunday. It was a sad moment. I had taken off my "pith-helmet' shaped hard hat and set it aside while I worked in the shed, and when I turned back, I found this HOLE in the side of my old hat. I have no idea how it happened. Did I run into a branch or something?  Did I set it down too hard? (It's a freaking hard plastic hard hat, for crying out loud, it's SUPPOSED to take the abuse!) I suppose it's age caught up with it.

After a lot of tears, wailing and gnashing of teeth, the hat sat on our covered back porch for almost a whole week, whilst I pondered its fate. I looked up new hats on the internet (no, you can't find that exact hat) and I checked out possible replacements (there are some with wide brims, but it's just not the same); and finally, I considered repair. 6 days I pondered. Finally Saturday came and it was time for a decision.

Repair.

As a good Southerner, I grabbed my extra large roll of The Silver Savior, Duck Tape, and went at it. (I know somewhere in the house I have a nice roll of white duck tape, but I couldn't find it.) The Duck Tape went on in three layers and in no time it was ready for the yard. Somehow being able to use Duck Tape to repair my trusty hat gave my Southern DNA a kick - AND it doesn't look half bad!

Well, it doesn't look half good either...

But, as long as it keeps the sun off my balding pate, I'm a happy man! In fact, with my new 'Duck Taped' chapeau in place, there seemed to be a new energy to my day, a bit of Southern Zen joined me. 

In no time I had replaced the fuel line on my string trimmer, got the trimmer running, and used it to trim the whole front of the house. I also cleaned the shed out a bit, and got the floor swept. Lastly, I also took my blower and cleaned the sidewalk of all the trimmings from the string trimmer. I was in the Zone, Bubba! 

But most importantly, when I was hooking up the electric blower, I took my 25 ft heavy duty extension cord out and gave it a toss to straighten it out, just like I'd seen my neighbor Bubba do hundreds of times before. Usually, when I do it, the cable ends up in a tangled mess. For the first time ever, the cord flew in a gentle arc, the cable coming out of the wrapped bundle easily, forming an almost straight, but most certainly un-kinked line. It amazed me! I've written about the dang cord and how they confound me no end, so to have one react like that was sheer poetry in motion! I stood there with my mouth open, and then searched the neighbor's lawns for someone who may have seen this miracle. I wanted to show someone, and wouldn't you know, the street was empty of neighbors. Even Neighbor Bubba was not at home.

No matter, I saw it, and I will always remember it. After all, it may be the only time it ever happens to me. It's the first time in 25 years, after all. I can't wait until next week when I have to get out the cable again.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

Planned Obsolescence and Tool Mainenance

Not too long ago, I got a new String Trimmer.  I selected it specifically because of it's quick start AND the ability to add an electric starter later.  The first year, it started easily.  My arm was able to pull-start the trimmer easily without dislocating anything.  The next year, as the trimmer broke in, it began having problems starting regularly, and my arm just couldn't take the strain...so I ended up getting the electric starter and it worked as it should for that entire year.  

Two years of ownership, and this year, it wouldn't start.  Not with the string pull, not with the electric starter and not by cursing at it with a litany of creative epithets. (And I am nothing if not creative in my cursing - just ask the kids from that bible class a neighbor had in their backyard a couple of summers ago.) So, what to do?  One person suggested that it may be time to buy a new string trimmer.  Buy a new one?  It's only TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD!

Hey, looky there, the thing has a 2 year warranty...now exactly when did I buy this...?  Oh yeah, MAY 15.   Great, I took it out of storage exactly 1 week after the warranty ended.  Did they PLAN this?  This is gonna take some genuine Southern ingenuity. Some genuine southern engine maintenance!

First up, a tune up.  Oh wait, these new things can't be adjusted by the average user.  It takes special tools- ! Who's freaking idea was THAT?? Ok, I can at least replace the spark plug. Easily done.  Yet, no change. Fresh gas, with a new mix of oil - again, no change. My arm is getting sore yanking that cord and the electric starter is getting so warm that it shuts off and can't be used for a while.  

Finally, in desperation, I rip the thing apart.  Well, as apart as I rip it. I take out the fuel lines and discover that they are clogged!  A new fuel line and a new in-tank filter and believe it or not it started just like it did that first year!  I didn't even have to use the electric starter!  It ran so good I immediately went out and trimmed all the front yard! 

I was, as you can imagine, ecstatic!  I went out and mowed the next day, preparing to use the trimmer to fully trim the edges front and back.  AND?  It won't start!  More cursing, shouting of disgusting epithets and I nearly threw the thing into heavy traffic.

Maybe a stick of TNT placed in the gas tank...yeah, that might do it.

That Southern Accent

One of the more obvious illustrations of my being "Non Southerner by Birth" is my accent. I don't have one. I don't say "Y'all" and no one at any time has remarked on my ability to chew a diphthong. In fact, I don't even have any sort of speech dialect which would allow someone to identify my origins at all.  Somewhere in College or other place of higher learning, I learned that Colorado (my area of origin)  is one of the few areas of the USA that has no discernible dialect of its own. Now this is totally different than in the South, where it sometimes seems that they have a different dialect for every little holler*.

Story Time!  This is one of those real stories you can't make up, and really why would you? My good friend Bobby caught me online not too long ago and related it to me, about how he nearly got his teeth knocked in by a northerner.

Bobby owns a nice little marina on the river. In the course of his day, among other things, he also runs the little marina grocery/convenience store. Bobby works behind the counter himself and for sure, Bobby has one of them Southern Accents with a life of its own.  The accent is the star of this story.

So, there's Bobby, working behind the counter and in walks a northerner (complete with family of lovely wife and a modicum of Devil's spawn younguns') After a few moments selecting some purchases, they all come to the counter.  Looking about, the northerner asks the innocent question: "Where can I get some ice?" to which Bobby replies in his southern drawl as he rings the man up....

"You can git your ass rat out that door..."

For some reason, the man was upset.

=====================================

*Holler: A Southern idiom; a shortened version of 'hollow' meaning a low lying area or valley in which, many times, many generations of Southern families will live, congregate and grow.

The CMA Festival - aka FAN FAIR

I'm sitting in my office in downtown Nashville cringing at the thought of the coming week. This is the week of the CMA FESTIVAL. For those who remember back a few years, this is the original FAN FAIR. FAN FAIR (wow, sounds like a fun time with rides and funnel cake and clowns right? ) was created for the Country Music Association to say 'thank you' to their loyal fans. They would have all sorts of Country Music stars in one place to give concerts, sign autographs and generally be friendly with the throngs of fans who else wise wouldn't get a chance to meet their Idols. Thank you fans - at $100 per person. (and that's the cheap seats - expensive tickets go for $300!) Hmm maybe that's why they don't cal it FAN Fair any more and call it the CMA Festival. (But, if you look close, you can see the name Fan Fair there in the logo, too!)

Those of us in Nashville remember when Fan Fair was held out at the Fairgrounds (wherein it got part of it's name..Fan FAIR) The crowds spent most of their time south of downtown, and life in the center of the city was much easier. The groups of fans that came downtown to touch the brickwork of the Ryman Auditorium and take their picture in front of the capital building were cute, and only mildly irritating. The amount of money they left behind is viewed as perhaps the one redeeming quality of the event - AND it was nearly canned until the CMA took it over just a few years back.

These days the newly minted CMA FESTIVAL is held downtown, concerts and all. Some of the concerts are indoors and some at the Riverfront park (is there any city on a river that DOESN'T have a "Riverfront park"..ah , but I digress). If you look at the CMA Music Festival Site, you will see a video of a "Block Party" which shows the amounts of crowds just around the corner from my office. To them it's one big party, but to those of us who have to work down here, it's lunchtime obstacle course! Yeah, it's gonna be a long week. A long week filled with Music, but a long week.

Taking a moment to view the CMA Festival site I have to say: Who are some of these people? I only recognize about half of them. They must be important, after all they are on the front of the site, touted as a reason to spend up to $350.00 PER PERSON for the 4 day concert pass. I still can't get over that.  (I also can't get over the fact that these tickets were SOLD out many months ago!) 

Not being a Country Music fan (careful, them's fighting words!) I can only reiterate those stories given to me by friends who have been to past concerts (yes, most were good, but waiting for your favorites was hard in the heat of the June Sun in Music City) and waiting up to 2 hours standing in line just to meet your idol and get their signature (John Schneider once reportedly CHARGED $5 each for his signature one year, though the money WAS supposedly earmarked for charity, one bristles at the thought of getting an autograph and being CHARGED for the pleasure, charity or not!) and generally finding one's way around town. Reba MacIntyre is going to be on hand for the first time in 13 years to sign autographs, oh be still my heart.

FAN Fair was originally a full week worth of events, concerts and the like, the CMA Festival is only about 4 days (Thursday to Sunday,  June 6-9 with the big closing concert Sunday night.)

Fan Fair Fans filled the city with cars, big hats, bigger hair, and money. The CMA Festival does the same, but add in skimpy outfits, stupid young people, beer and more beer and then concentrate it down town. Now you see why we're cringing.

Still, even with the traffic and people, I wouldn't live anywhere else!

Mosquitos In The South

Brace yourself, summer is coming. Well, here in the South, it's already here. The rest of the country may be digging out of a late spring snow, but here in the South, we've got temperatures in the 80's already. Soon we'll be encroaching on the 100's and yes, Arizona and New Mexico already hit near the 100's and do it all the time, but it's a dry heat and they're not in the South so I won't include them here, so there.

I hate the heat. I mean REALLY, I hate it. Even more than the heat, I really hate the bugs. And in the summer, we got those harbingers of death and pestilence - the Mosquitoes.  Big ones.  I mean big.  I know everyone says that the mosquitoes in their area are the biggest, but here in the South they really are.

In fact, in Florida they expect an influx of a super sized mosquito, Psorophora ciliata, known colloquially as "gallinippers."  How big  you might ask? The 'Galnipper' can get to be as big as 20 times the size of a standard Mosquito.  TWENTY TIMES!  That's easily the size of a small dog!  (ok, maybe not THAT big, but pretty dang big!) I read one description that says the bite of the Galnipper is like "having a hot nail driven into their skin." Yeah, that's a reason to get up every morning!  (Factoid: The name Galnipper allegedly got this moniker "because they're so big they can nip a gallon of blood with a single bite.") Ok, seriously? This is not good.

Ok, Easy Fix.  Machine gun on the roof, pointed South, Florida, right?  Nope, not enough ammunition in the world to take them on.

So the next step is to slather yourself down with some DEET based ointments, or maybe some of those ookey smelling oils just to keep them critters from biting.  Head on down to the drug store and you'll find all sorts of products just made for this one problem. 

More than 20 years ago, when I first moved to the South, I found that those blood thirsty critters found my blood to be in high demand.  In addition, my daughter also found that she was allergic to their bites, swelling and itching like mad.  At about the same time, a neighbor nutritionist gave us a bit of information that in years since, I've never found anywhere else, not in print or on the net.

Vitamin B-1.  Yes, vitamin B-1, when taken in mega doses keeps mosquitoes from biting.  It sounds like some sort of urban legend, but sure enough, it works.  I take two 250 mg tablets each day during the bad months (just one if I'm not going to be outside much) and I've not been bitten by more than one or two in the last 20 years. When I try to tell folks about B-1, they look at me like I'm wearing cats for earmuffs.  That's ok, I'll continue to take them, safe in the knowledge that, at least for me, B-1 works.

Why does it work, you ask?  Good question! From what I understand, the B-1 is a 'water soluble' vitamin and any excess you take is disposed of in the usual manner: human waste and (more importantly for our discussion) sweat. Yes, your sweat now smells like B-1.  Mosquitoes don't particularly like it, so they stay away. Only the hungriest of flying pests get through it, and make no mistake, a couple do make it through - just a lot less than without it.  So, ask your Doctor, and give it a try.  Just be sure to tell your Dr, that Marv, that good ol' boy from the South suggested it. 

A Southern Pet Peeve - The Mechanic's Instructions

Living and working in the South is a joy and has given me the opportunity to learn a great deal.   Not the least of which is car repair.  As long at it's on the outside of the engine, I'm ready and willing to tackle the job. As you can see above, this last repair - all shiny and beautifully installed - is a water pump on my 10 year old jeep.  The pulley is the last item to be put on, and it is also the pet peeve I have with so many so called 'experts' in the field.  

Before I even attempted this repair, I took the time to hit the Internet looking for tips, tricks and downright full instructions on how to a) remove and b) replace the water pump.  What I found was both enlightening and infuriating.  

On one site, I was told there were only 4 bolts you need to remove to take the water pump off (there are actually 5.) In another reference, I was told to loosen and remove the Power Steering Pump (there is no need to do this,)  and in a video I found, they started with the water pump already OFF the engine.  THIS is my rant this week. And Rant I will, just you stand back and hunker down so none of it gets on you. 

In order to remove the water pump (5 bolts, using a 1/2" socket) you must first remove the pulley.  There is no way to get to most of the bolts with the pulley in place. In most of the places which actually said to first remove the pulley, the instructions were exact: "Remove the pulley."  Yes, that's it. "Remove the Pulley." and in one place it was just "Remove Pulley" as if it was a generically known step.  No instruction on HOW to remove the pulley. Not in Chilton's, or Haynes' manuals, not the videos or even over on the JEEP expert forums. 

Ok, off to the Auto Parts Store where, I am told, they rent a special TOOL just for removing the pulley ($50, but when returned, you get the entire $50 refunded!)  I asked them and they were gracious enough to show me how to use the tool.  We went out to my car and they looked at the Pulley and said "Oh you don't need this tool, just remove those 4 bolts and pull off the pulley."  I was ecstatic!  4 little bolts! Just PULL OFF the pulley! I rushed home and got right to dismantling things to get to the water pump and get it all replaced.  

And again, I hit a snag.  In every description of how to remove the water pump, there is also a simple statement 'remove the fan/shroud by taking off the 4 bolts which hold it in place.' At least this time they told me there were 4 bolts (10mm, in case you're taking notes.) Yet there is no mention of the fact that you need to have an angled 10mm wrench and the hands of a 9 year old boy on the arms of a contortionist in order to get TO the bolts.  3 hours of work (which included bending one of my wrenches using my vice and a big hammer) and the shroud comes out.  Just the shroud.  I was so happy, I nearly cried.

Now, as told by the 'experts' at the Auto Parts Store, I remove the 4 bolts and the Pulley - is stuck in place.  It won't 'pull off' no matter how I work on it. I grab it with both hands and yank it - HARD. No dice. I rap it with the wrench and a rubber mallet (careful, don't want to bend it out of shape.) Still no movement. I worked under the edges with a lever - nothing. 30 minutes turned into an hour and the pulley is firmly in place. At this point I should mention that cursing at it like a drunken sailor also made no difference.  Go figure. 

After a lunch, suggested by my lovely Mrs., as a way keep my blood pressure in check, I took up the new water pump and threatened to toss it on the roof of the house. It was at that point that I noticed a couple of odd fingernail shaped cut outs next to each of the bolt holes.  Looking at the @^%$! Pulley still stuck on the car, I could see that these cut outs were still visible, albeit just barely. See what I mean?  

I then got the AMAZINGLY CLEVER idea that a small screwdriver worked into these spots might assist in loosening the Pulley...BINGO, the pulley came off with no additional cursing and, of course, no needed retrieval of the new water pump from the roof.

As you can also see, the peeve I mentioned stands. NO WHERE in anything I had read, not by Chilton's, not by Haynes, not by the experts on the Internet or from the so-called experts in the Auto Parts Store mentioned these little curved slots as a way to loosen the pulley.  Even Neighbor Bubba, who came over to help remove the shroud, (you didn't think I did that alone, did you?) didn't know about the slots, but feels that my figuring this out is merely one step closer to my being considered a Good Ol' Boy and certified shade tree mechanic. Will wonders never cease... 

Now, if I can just get the manuals all changed and the experts educated.  

It's going to be a long hot summer here in the South.  

Silver Savior - The Side Mirror

Duck tape is the Silver Savior.  It secures things where they belong and makes repair easy, although maybe not so pretty.  I found this lovely repair job in my very own town, at a parking lot where we stopped last Saturday.  At first, I  didn't notice the side window, covered with plastic, taped in place with clear packaging tape. What I noticed was the passenger side mirror.  Well, actually, what I noticed was the Duck Tape - about 20-30 layers of it.  

I really love this repair.  Why?  Oh my look closely, my faithful reader!  Note with care the shape of the repaired item in question even with the 20-30 layers of Saving Grace.  Note #1, it's narrower at the right than at the left.  Note #2, it's got some big ol' fitting or shaped end there on the far right.  What would cause that? Why cover it with so much Duck Tape, especially when you're not taping it TO something?

Here's why, Bubba: That mirror is for a DRIVER'S SIDE DOOR.  Now, at first, you want to laugh. This guy, this clever good ol' boy, found himself a mirror but it was for the wrong door, the driver's side door.  But here's the interesting part; he didn't let that stop him, he went ahead and taped that sucker in place where it was needed and then he covered the right fitting with more tape, not because it needed it, but because he felt it was necessary to cover over the right fitting in such a way as to disguise it's true use.  Brilliant!

Did he succeed? You be the judge. The mirror is useful and it sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere. So, I'd say he did a pretty good job.

As for the window...well, we'll leave that for another day.  After all, it's got none of the aforementioned Silver Savior on it!

Such is life, and car repair in the south.