Suthunaz are Smarter Than You Think!

I am sick and tired of hearing from my Nawthun Friends about how dumb people are in the South, and I hereby challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Non-Light beers will be consumed before all the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough cut pine. If'n the porch collapses, how many dogs will be injured?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances and non-working automobiles to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road in rural Georgia at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. If the temperature is 100 degrees with an average humidity of 85% on a straight 5 mile long road made of aggregate and asphalt, how many empty beer cans will be added to the roadsides in an 8 hour period?

If you got any of these questions right, then you must be a true Suthunuh - cuz I surely didn't.
This weeks post all in fun. Keep laughing. See you next week.

Southern Fried Turkey - An Addendum of Sorts

It's been a bit longer than I had expected between postings, and for those of my regular readers, I apologize.  My life has been divided between work and the remodeling of the bathroom, finalizing it just the day before the Mother-In-Law arrived for a visit.  Then there was the holiday and family and then a visit from my neighbor, Bubba.

Bubba is a well known figure in my blog.  He is Lord of All Things Barbeque and is a Southern Gentleman of the highest order.  We speak many hours about how to become a Southerner and the fact that I may never actually become one.  This visit was rather unusual as it concerned a previous post and his inclusion in it - namely, the post about Southern Fried Turkey. 

Bubba said he was looking over it and came to a rather startling position, that I have neglected to include one important fact.  (Typical of a Suthun Wannabee like me, he says...) Rather than debate the issue, I'll include it here as an after thought, and I will update my other post. 

You see, when lowering the turkey into the oil, or taking the turkey out of the oil, one must always remember to TURN OFF THE FIRE.  Bubba points out that this is the main mistake that so many novices make, thinking that the fire has to be on continuous.  Heat the oil, says Bubba, then shut off the fire and wait a couple of minutes.  This means that the metal around the fire ring has cooled to a point where it won't be hot enough to flame should a bit of oil hit it.  Now you can stand close enough to the boiling oil to control the turkey as it goes into the pot (or out.)  Once in, you can then safely ignite the fire again, (wipe it off first, if you spilled even a bit) without fear of an oil fire.  Bubba is the man. He makes a Southern Fried Turkey every year and has never had an oil fire.  I consider him the Master of this type of cooking. 

It's little things like this that keep me out of the Good Ol' Boys Club.  I'll see you all here next time. 

A Postal Post and Suthun Engineering

A few more mailboxes to show you just how good the Suthun Engineer can be.  This first one is a bit rural, but it sure is a goody.   Goes to show, you can't show ingenuity without a little duck/duct tape. I also like the way this mailbox has been painted a nice rust color just in case it does rust, no one can tell.

This mailbox is more urban, or perhaps suburban.  The owner has the right idea.  That stand is a workhorse, with collapsible legs.  Now, it can be brought in at night, sort of like the family dog. 

This one is sort of a hodgge-podge, with a bit of duck/duct tape, some old posts mixed styles of boxes and yes, some rust.  

And of course, I save the best for last.  This is one of those ladders that was sold on TV and can be put in a multitude of positions.  Here, he's using it for a mailbox stand.  That's a pretty expensive stand, but ya gotta admit, it gets the job done.  I think I even see some baling wire there to hold it in place.    

Suthun Man's Toolbox - Baling Wire

I know I've mentioned it before, but I grew up in Colorado.  We spent a lot of time in the summers on a ranch high up in the Rockies (while my mother traveled and probably took a lot of Valium - there were three of us boys, so it's only natural.)

One of the things that I remember from those years is that the owner of the ranch did a lot of repairs on the property.  I remember one summer helping him fix a hole in a barb wire fence and another time he fixed bunch of rotten wood on the front of the barn.  I'm pretty sure I did a lot of the work, too, but at  age 8...maybe not.  The other thing I remember about that place was that this was my first introduction to baling wire.  My brothers and I used to take pieces of this miracle product and use it to do everything from make metal toys to tie each other up (What, Bubba?  You don't remember wiring my hands together and running off cackling?)

Baling wire (aka Mechanic's wire* or soft wire) is a pliable yet sturdy wire (8-14 gauge average) first used in mechanical hay balers pulled behind a tractor. The Balers used a wire twister that first cut and then twisted the ends of the wire such that the bale kept its shape.  Baling wire was replaced by Baling TWINE in the 70's (probably by some tofu eating hippy) but you can still find Baling wire available on the market.   Once cut to feed the stock, the wire found immediate and myriad uses - and here in the South (you knew I was going there, didn't you?) the Suthun man keeps a bundle of baling wire in his tool chest along side his duck tape and cable ties. 

There was a time (cue flashback sequence)  when I was driving my '64 MGB  (yes, it was a beauty, in British Racing Green and I miss her terribly, but as usual, I digress...) and the gas pedal stopped working.  It was the middle of the night and I pulled to the side of the road  and popped the hood where I found the problem to be a broken cable.  The cable between the gas pedal and the carburetor had broken inside the cable sleeve. I was looking at a $250 tow job.   A passing city worker (bless his heart) on his way home asked if I needed to borrow any tools, and indicated that he had a truck full which I could borrow.  I told him jokingly "No, what I really need is a bit of baling wire."  You can imagine my expression when he said  he had some.

Like a true Suthun Shade Tree Mechanic, I cut off a piece of his 500' spool, (I am still wondering why a city worker in Denver Colorado carried around a 500 foot spool of baling wire and was out in the middle of the night) rethreaded the cable and was on the road again in a matter of minutes. That cable never did act up again, proof of the power of baling wire.  (And a big thank you to that city worker wherever he is!)

Now it would seem that I've taken yet another tangent, away from my life as a Suthunah, or rather my life trying to BE a Suthunah, but my history with baling wire is only the tip of the Suthun Iceberg.  Even as clever as I am with a bit of baling wire and a pair of pliers, the Suthunah takes this, as usual, to a whole new level.  Baling wire is more than a repair item.  It's art.  It's a way to pass the time.  It's a tool in and of itself.  Take a piece of baling wire and sharpen the end against a brick and you can create a mini-screwdriver.  Bent just right, it can hold a screw in place while you work with it, a nail while you hammer it or a widget while you glue it in place.  Baling wire is the cornerstone of the ingenuity of the Suthun Man - men the world over it would seem.

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*It is also known as "haywire," from which the term "go haywire" arose, referring to crazy or mixed up from the wire's use to fix anything in an ad hoc manner.

Size is Everything, Even In Church

A couple of years ago I was headed to a friend's house for an evening of beer and poetry (an interesting combination truth be told) and noticed in the directions that my friend had written "turn left at Saint Hiney's Big A** Church." (ok, for the record, there is no St. Hiney and no St. Hiney's Big A** Church. I'm all about the deniability - but he also didn't use the Asterisks either)

At first I laughed at the idea of a church which worshiped large posteriors, (Please, no letters, either for or against the idea of a church which worships any body part) but then we came to the intersection and there off to the side was what I first thought was a business complex. Several connected buildings and a parking lot the size of the Mall of America, hey, it even had its own traffic signal! Then I saw the main building with its spire and the sign "St. Hiney's" and I knew that the description my friend had given me was not the "TYPE" of church, but a description of its size relative to, well, the universe.

Thanks to Google I found a picture of St. Hiney's (remember, not the real name) and I've posted it above. The size is incredible. You can see how huge it is...the main center building and the buildings off to the left there which all are tied together with more buildings and corridors. But that's not all. Here is a picture panned a bit to the right, and what do you see? MORE CHURCH!
That big plantation style building is connected to the church as is the area in between, and by the paint job, I'm guessing there are more buildings out behind it which are also part of this sprawling complex. It may actually spread into the next county, no one is really sure where it ends.

I'm not opposed to Big A** churches, and I'm most certainly not opposed to Big A**s themselves. The reason I bring them up here, is that here in the south, Big A*** Churches seem to be the norm. The bigger the better. (Churches, not A**s)

Nashville is, of course, referred to as the Buckle of the Bible Belt. Now for you that have never heard the term, the Bible Belt refers to a region of the US which covers most of the south, in which studies have found a higher number of regular church attendance per capita. Why Nashville is the Buckle of this belt is for exactly the reason you might expect. Big A** Churches. More shinier, rambling, Big A** churches than most anywhere else in the bible belt, even Atlanta.

So, the next time you're out driving and happen to find yourself in the Buckle of the Bible Belt, be sure to take notice of the Big A** Churches. You can take note of the Big A**s you see, but don't tell anyone I told you to. I have to keep up my reputation, y'know...

Invention Intervention - The Tailgater

When it comes to odd Suthun inventions, I get some of the strangest photos sent to me. Most are just photos of duck tape and its odd and myriad uses. I also have found that most of them have to do with cars. This invention above is also a car add on, but it would appear that this one has a dual purpose: Grill and Air Foil. (And by Grill I mean the cooking kind not the decorative kind that goes on the front of an automobile or rapper's teeth.)

This is a beautiful addition to an otherwise great car, too (appears to be a Porsche, but I could be wrong...) My feeling is that it is integral, with a generator built in (I wouldn't think that the car power supply is enough to run this electric monster being only 12 volts, so a generator is required) and is not using the heat from the engine to cook that fine meal. (I also hope there's some sort of cover to keep the bird poop and bugs out of it while driving to your tailgating rendezvous.)

It's about Football Season (with the requisite Capital Letters because, to a Suthunuh, Football is Important!) so tailgating comes to mind. Though I never got into football, I sure enjoy the idea of a movable feast such as this. You could take this to work, the kid's band recital or even down to Walmart where you can get the fresh ingredients to cook and then take a break and cook them! And let's face it, cooking in a Walmart parking lot is a dream which we all have to some degree.

I take my hat off to this inventor. I see no duck tape, foam sealant, rope or hot glue which is usually evident to this type of Suthun Invention. (Well, it would be more evident if I had been the builder, I 'spose...) By such, I can't tell if the grill is merely sitting on the air foil, or if it is truly integral - that is, built in (or fixed in place with a tube or two of the aforementioned heat resistant glue, sealant or duck tape). Either way, this is a great invention!

Tailgating without the tailgate! Now that's a suthun invention worthy of note!

Li'l Abner - The Original Suthunah

I'm sure I don't have to tell you who Li'l Abner is. Or do I? The bulk of those who read blogs and internet stories are usually young enough to have been born after the death of cartoonist Andy Capp and may not be familiar with this iconic comic.

So, a bit of history first. Li'l Abner was a comic strip which ran in the daily papers from 1933 until 1977. It concerned the small Appalachian town of Dogpatch and its wacky inhabitants: most importantly, Li'l Abner, a hulking Man-Boy in torn overalls with movie star looks and Daisy Mae, the woman who is forever trying to get him married (to her) along with a veritable pantheon of other wacky and enjoyable characters.

The reason that Li'l Abner shows up here in my li'l suthun blog is that most people think of Li'l Abner when they think of a Suthunah (and vice-versa!) and in fact, Li'l Abner is responsible for creating most of the Suthun Stereotypes we all know and love. (Love? Well, I don' know about that...)

From Abner's use of such words as 'druthers' and such events as Sadie Hawkins Day (which is celebrated in many towns to this very day) and even his horribly fitting, worn and loved overalls, people grew to believe that suthunaz - ALL Suthunas - are all slow witted, poorly dressed and terribly educated. (Or should that be "edumuhcated"?)

Though I love a good suthun accent, most suthunaz I know have great vocabularies even though they may pronounce 'right' as "rat" and 'fire' as "fur" they usually use words properly. Think more Rhett Butler than Li'l Abner. Other than a few misplaced rhinestones, most suthunas I know also dress properly and I've not seen a pair of worn overalls in years. (I used to have a pair, but I think they got thrown out when they got too worn.)

Regardless of its lasting impression, Li'l Abner has long been part of the fabric of the US. So much so that this little comic strip spawned two movies and even an award winning musical on Broadway. Yeah, good movie. Let me just say this about the movie (the first one)..."Julie Newmar" as Stupifyin' Jones. Nuff said. Now, go rent the movie and enjoy.

Ok. More fun about the South next week.