Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Self Produced Methane

Ok, let's get to it. I fart. A lot. I'm a man, we all fart. AND if most women would admit it, they also fart (though, admittedly, not near as much.) It's part of being a human being. In an ideal society, (or on some unpublished episode of Star Trek) we'd have found ways of capturing this flammable gas and use it to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. (Spock! More Beans! More Beans, Spock! )

In most of the country farting in public is an insult of the highest order. Just hearing the sound of a fart is enough to get people in a tizzy. AND, strangely enough, if they DON'T hear it and later discover the offending odor, that's even worse. I've tried keeping it in, and trust me no one wants to see me squinting and holding my hind end tightly closed with both hands anymore than they want to hear me tear one off. (And I can really sound off, you-know-what-I'm-sayin?)

When I was a kid, farting was not only a pleasure but the stigma of offense was nonexistent. It released stress and pressure on your insides. "There's more room on the outside than there is on the inside!" we'd always say. And let's face it, kids love farts. I mean, come ON! Your own body creates a flammable gas which comes out your butt? What could be more fun? And top that off with the fact that you really couldn't predict when they showed up. When I was a kid, my older brother would fart and then challenge my younger brother and I to do better. And, yeah, we'd accept that challenge. We'd laugh and mom would shake her head. I'd like to see us all return to that time, when offending sounds and odors were more a basis to a good laugh rather than a reason to chastise someone. It would be the perfect society; a place where anything is possible.

I know a few guys here in the South to whom farting is an art. You know those kids who can burp the alphabet? These guys are like that. Each fart they create is like poetry. They name the different ones, practice them, and perform them on demand (with requisite points dependent on degree of difficulty.) Oddly, the people around them don't seem to mind. Yes, these 'fartistic" endeavors are performed outdoors, and I'm sure the consumption of broccoli and beans is part of the tradition. Oh yeah, and beer...not so much because it makes you fart, but because to the Suthun Man beer goes so well (The use of lighters and matches are for professionals only - remember kids, don't try this without supervision!)

I'm pretty sure that these guys can only be found in the South proving once again, that the South is closer to the perfect society than any other. So enjoy your time here, and feel free to enjoy the air. I'll be right back, I have to open a window...again.

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