Sunday, May 31, 2009

Marv Vs the Cicadas

Every 13 years, the South is alive with the sound of Cicadas. The Cicada is like a large combination dragon fly and House fly. They don't bite, and they don't sting. What they do is come up out of the ground and mate so that in another 13 years there can be more of them. And when it happens, there are more cicadas out there than you can shake a stick at!

The mating sound of the Cicada is a loud series of ticks and buzzes - mostly buzzes. To the male Cicada, the louder the sound, the better chance they have of finding a mate. Obviously then, females are attracted to the louder noise. They view the louder noise to be a better ...uh... father? Ok, let's say it, the better the sound, the more studly the cicada.

Enter in to this conflagration, Marv and his newest acquisition, a gas powered weed eater. Next to the chain saw, it is one of the greatest additions to a suthun man's lawn arsenal. Not those wimpy electric ones, but a full fledged 32cc gas eating, double stringed weed eating monster.

And when it's running full force, it roars with a loud buzz not unlike a monster cicada.

So, not being from the south, I took my new big weed eating monster and attacked the yard. The motor started up and in no time I was cutting weeds, edging the lawn and covered in female cicadas who thought of me as the most incredibly macho cicada that ever was. They were on my clothes, in my hair, and circling me like a squadron of fighters looking for a target. Never underestimate the tenacity of a horny female cicada.

Soon I found myself running for cover, carrying the growling weed eater (aka Cicada Bait) in one hand while I windmilled the other hand wildly in an effort to rid myself of the cloud of female admirers. No matter what I did, they only got thicker. My wife and daughter were at the back window of the house laughing their butts off. It took me a good 15-20 minutes to figure out that if I turned off the weed eater, they would eventually leave me alone.

I am fine now, but every so often I'll duck under the table when I hear a loud buzz.

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