Size is Everything, Even In Church

A couple of years ago I was headed to a friend's house for an evening of beer and poetry (an interesting combination truth be told) and noticed in the directions that my friend had written "turn left at Saint Hiney's Big A** Church." (ok, for the record, there is no St. Hiney and no St. Hiney's Big A** Church. I'm all about the deniability - but he also didn't use the Asterisks either)

At first I laughed at the idea of a church which worshiped large posteriors, (Please, no letters, either for or against the idea of a church which worships any body part) but then we came to the intersection and there off to the side was what I first thought was a business complex. Several connected buildings and a parking lot the size of the Mall of America, hey, it even had its own traffic signal! Then I saw the main building with its spire and the sign "St. Hiney's" and I knew that the description my friend had given me was not the "TYPE" of church, but a description of its size relative to, well, the universe.

Thanks to Google I found a picture of St. Hiney's (remember, not the real name) and I've posted it above. The size is incredible. You can see how huge it is...the main center building and the buildings off to the left there which all are tied together with more buildings and corridors. But that's not all. Here is a picture panned a bit to the right, and what do you see? MORE CHURCH!
That big plantation style building is connected to the church as is the area in between, and by the paint job, I'm guessing there are more buildings out behind it which are also part of this sprawling complex. It may actually spread into the next county, no one is really sure where it ends.

I'm not opposed to Big A** churches, and I'm most certainly not opposed to Big A**s themselves. The reason I bring them up here, is that here in the south, Big A*** Churches seem to be the norm. The bigger the better. (Churches, not A**s)

Nashville is, of course, referred to as the Buckle of the Bible Belt. Now for you that have never heard the term, the Bible Belt refers to a region of the US which covers most of the south, in which studies have found a higher number of regular church attendance per capita. Why Nashville is the Buckle of this belt is for exactly the reason you might expect. Big A** Churches. More shinier, rambling, Big A** churches than most anywhere else in the bible belt, even Atlanta.

So, the next time you're out driving and happen to find yourself in the Buckle of the Bible Belt, be sure to take notice of the Big A** Churches. You can take note of the Big A**s you see, but don't tell anyone I told you to. I have to keep up my reputation, y'know...

Invention Intervention - The Tailgater

When it comes to odd Suthun inventions, I get some of the strangest photos sent to me. Most are just photos of duck tape and its odd and myriad uses. I also have found that most of them have to do with cars. This invention above is also a car add on, but it would appear that this one has a dual purpose: Grill and Air Foil. (And by Grill I mean the cooking kind not the decorative kind that goes on the front of an automobile or rapper's teeth.)

This is a beautiful addition to an otherwise great car, too (appears to be a Porsche, but I could be wrong...) My feeling is that it is integral, with a generator built in (I wouldn't think that the car power supply is enough to run this electric monster being only 12 volts, so a generator is required) and is not using the heat from the engine to cook that fine meal. (I also hope there's some sort of cover to keep the bird poop and bugs out of it while driving to your tailgating rendezvous.)

It's about Football Season (with the requisite Capital Letters because, to a Suthunuh, Football is Important!) so tailgating comes to mind. Though I never got into football, I sure enjoy the idea of a movable feast such as this. You could take this to work, the kid's band recital or even down to Walmart where you can get the fresh ingredients to cook and then take a break and cook them! And let's face it, cooking in a Walmart parking lot is a dream which we all have to some degree.

I take my hat off to this inventor. I see no duck tape, foam sealant, rope or hot glue which is usually evident to this type of Suthun Invention. (Well, it would be more evident if I had been the builder, I 'spose...) By such, I can't tell if the grill is merely sitting on the air foil, or if it is truly integral - that is, built in (or fixed in place with a tube or two of the aforementioned heat resistant glue, sealant or duck tape). Either way, this is a great invention!

Tailgating without the tailgate! Now that's a suthun invention worthy of note!

Li'l Abner - The Original Suthunah

I'm sure I don't have to tell you who Li'l Abner is. Or do I? The bulk of those who read blogs and internet stories are usually young enough to have been born after the death of cartoonist Andy Capp and may not be familiar with this iconic comic.

So, a bit of history first. Li'l Abner was a comic strip which ran in the daily papers from 1933 until 1977. It concerned the small Appalachian town of Dogpatch and its wacky inhabitants: most importantly, Li'l Abner, a hulking Man-Boy in torn overalls with movie star looks and Daisy Mae, the woman who is forever trying to get him married (to her) along with a veritable pantheon of other wacky and enjoyable characters.

The reason that Li'l Abner shows up here in my li'l suthun blog is that most people think of Li'l Abner when they think of a Suthunah (and vice-versa!) and in fact, Li'l Abner is responsible for creating most of the Suthun Stereotypes we all know and love. (Love? Well, I don' know about that...)

From Abner's use of such words as 'druthers' and such events as Sadie Hawkins Day (which is celebrated in many towns to this very day) and even his horribly fitting, worn and loved overalls, people grew to believe that suthunaz - ALL Suthunas - are all slow witted, poorly dressed and terribly educated. (Or should that be "edumuhcated"?)

Though I love a good suthun accent, most suthunaz I know have great vocabularies even though they may pronounce 'right' as "rat" and 'fire' as "fur" they usually use words properly. Think more Rhett Butler than Li'l Abner. Other than a few misplaced rhinestones, most suthunas I know also dress properly and I've not seen a pair of worn overalls in years. (I used to have a pair, but I think they got thrown out when they got too worn.)

Regardless of its lasting impression, Li'l Abner has long been part of the fabric of the US. So much so that this little comic strip spawned two movies and even an award winning musical on Broadway. Yeah, good movie. Let me just say this about the movie (the first one)..."Julie Newmar" as Stupifyin' Jones. Nuff said. Now, go rent the movie and enjoy.

Ok. More fun about the South next week.

The Suthun Tool Box

As I've already pointed out, I've been hard at work on my front bath doing some major remodeling. I don't really mind doing the work until it comes to that point where I need to use a different tool. Not some special different tool, just a different one than I'm currently using. Then it seems I have to spend an inordinate amount of time looking for that new tool. Is it in the basement? No. In the Car? No. Oh how about out in the Shed? No... or maybe it's with the abandoned tools I used to work on the living room last time I was doing work of this nature. Again, no. Back and forth I go, looking, digging and muttering to myself like that smelly crazy guy that lives down on Broadway.

It usually takes me about 30 minutes to find the $#@* thing. Now most guys, after a few minutes, they'd just go out and buy another one. In my case that's probably why I have about a dozen hammers. These days I really can't afford a new tool especially when I keep thinking that there is a really good one sitting around this house somewhere. (Maybe under the bed? No...)

There are times when I need a specific tool I know I don't have AND certainly can't afford. At times like this, I go over to my neighbor the Professional Handyman (gotta use italics cuz he is a pro...as he keeps telling me) and borrow what I need. He will stare up at the trees while I tell him what I'm in need of, and then go right to the spot where the odd little tool resides. He really pisses me off. Now, don't get me wrong, he's got tools spread out much like mine. His are spread across two big vans, a shed and a garage and and probably under his bed yet he always knows RIGHT where some special tool is hiding.

"Oh, that?" he will say and then reach under the front seat of the van and BINGO. The tool emerges. And I curse him. Each. And. Every. Time.

When I look at the layout of his tools and mine, they seem to be about the same. I have them all in buckets, and plastic designer bins. I have a peg board (empty) and several tool carry cases. The problem is that I never know which plastic designer bin or carry case is where the particular tool that I'm looking for THIS time is supposed to be. I keep trying to organize, but once I do, and I end up needing a tool, I think; "Yes, that is a WOOD WORKING Tool and it will be with the other Wood Working Tools in the Wood Working Tools designer bin!"

No. It's not. (Maybe I put it in the carport?)

It may be a suthun thing to be able to arrange tools in such a way that they can be found quickly. In which case it's my DNA which may be lacking, not my organizational abilities.

Ok, so let's try this again...A few more designer bins and cardboard boxes and I'm out to the shed. Wish me luck. Send a search party if I'm not back next week.

Vacation? What is that?

Sorry, I didn't publish a blog post last week because I was busy. The lovely Mrs and I decided one day that we wanted to get rid of the PINK tile in our bath, leftover from the 60's. (No, we didnt put it in, it's original from when the house was first built.)

We started in one day pulling the little plastic tiles off the wall and discovered (cue music) BLACK MOLD! (cue voiceover: Scream) Now anyone with a little knowledge of this stuff knows that this is not good. Black Mold is known to cause ill effects in people without allergies. Exposure can lead to a sort of poisoning that has numerous symptoms and effects which I will not go into here, but suffice to say we had to get rid of it and in a hurry.

Which references nicely the above picture. That's a 20 Yard Dumpster pulled up in our driveway. My job gave me a week vacation (Vacation? Really?) and we had the big dumpster delivered on Monday. I created a nice ramp to allow us to toss wall parts out the window and for the next few days we attacked the room with gusto. (No, Gusto is not a new bleach, try to keep up, ok?)

It was really a comedy of errors that week, but oddly only a few of them were mine. Most came from past construction or construction standards. Example: We pulled off the tile behind the tub only to find 2 layers: CERAMIC tile over Wallboard over PLASTIC TILE over more WALLBOARD! Strange? According to experts, this is how things were done back in the day. Sheesh.

We pulled out the tub and discovered the floor had all but rotted away. So of course we now had to replace the floor! Oh but before we can do that, we had to chop out the old lead drain and replace with a nice PVC drain. Let's see, we also had to remove aluminum wiring (not to code) pull out the old fan/heater combo (no vent, had to put in a vent!) and basically gut the entire room to the studs.

The only thing that saved me from my own ineptitude is that I have a neighbor (No not Neighbor Bubba) who is a professional at this. He has also been out of work for a few weeks due to the economy and graciously offered to help (after 15 minutes of my begging on my knees) with the drain and floor (and he has some really neat tools!) What he can do with a Saws All is pure poetry. (Side note: My sister says that she knows someone who calls this nifty tool a Sawz Awe. Go figure.)

I ran out of vacation (vacation? really?) before I ran out of things to do. I am now working on getting the wallboard (yes, the green stuff, mold and moisture resistant) installed along with new fixtures but I have to work on the weekends. Such is my life. But if you're interested, you can see the transformation by clicking here!

Stay tuned for more fun from the south.

A SUTHUN-NESS Test...How Southern Are you?

I found this test on the net, and was astounded that I could actually answer better than half of the questions. Most Non-Suthunaz can only get one or two, maybe 3. How well can you do? I've placed the answers below each question, hidden in the colors. Take the whole test before checking your answers. (To see the whole answer, click three (3) times on the word 'Answer' below each question.) Post your score in the comments.

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
Answer: 7
2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
Answer: 43 Red and blue.
3) Bill Dance is good at what?
Answer: Fishin', He has a TV show: Bill Dance Outdoors.
4) What university does Bill Dance root for?
Answer: Univ. of Tennessee (The Volunteers)
5) Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
Answer: Univ. of Georgia
6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
Answer: Hard Peanuts
7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
Answer: 283 cu. in.
8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
Answer: French
9) What is a chigger?
Answer: a Redbug (A parasite)
10) What is scrapple?
Answer: A sausage like loaf made from pig parts.
11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
Answer: Panama City Beach, FL
12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
Answer: Spanish Moss
13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, ___.
Answer: Evinrude
14) What's the common name for a bowfin?
Answer: Mudfish
15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Answer: Nothing, a steer usually has been castrated.
16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
Answer: Hank Williams Sr.
17) What are grits made out of?
Answer: corn
18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?
Answer: Paul Bryant, sorry, COACH Paul Bryant.
19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
Answer: Pollen in the air.
20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Answer: "The Recipe", an elixir
21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
Answer: Miss Helen Crump
22) What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
Answer: WSM (Nashville)
23) Where would you find Vidalia County?
Answer: Georgia
24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
Answer: Calf ropin'
25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
Answer: Mandolin
26) What are scuppernongs?
Answer: Wild grapes
27) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Answer: Yes, the keep the kudzu (a weed) from getting out of control.
28) What color is General Lee?
Answer: Orange
29) What do you call the offspring of a mule?
Answer: Nothing, Mules are usually sterile.
30) What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?
Answer: Tobacco

So, how did you do?
up to 4, you's a yankee.
5-10 Suthuna Wannabe
11-16 Suthun Undergrad.
16+ Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit, you beat my score and are probably either a true suthuna or you cheated. Either way, hope you had fun with the test.

Invention Intervention - The Flower Vase

When I'm looking for things to include in this blog, I am always surprised at both the simplicity of the inventions and the additions.

Take this one for example. First, our Suthun Inventor has taken a simple plastic jug and turned it into a flower vase. In so doing, he has left the label on the jug for either decorative purposes or perhaps because... ok, I got to admit, I don't' know any other reason to leave the label on. In most houses, flower vases seem to multiply faster than wire hangers get tangled, but maybe that's just I was raised in the Wayust. (West....sorry, my accent seems to get stronger when I type.)

Now, to the credit of this particular Suthun Inventor, we also note the fact that he has taken a sticky note and labeled the 'flower' itself. Perhaps this is why the label has been left on the jug, to complete the theme: Labeled Flower, labeled Jug.

Simple. Brilliant. Southern.

Welcome to the South. Put them flares in a jug and get yerself a beer from the fridge.