(www.retailhellunderground.com)
About 25 years ago, I owned and operated my own little corner of retail hell in a very nice mall location. A very nice franchise Pipe and Tobacco shop, walk in humidor blah blah blah. I had only 3-5 employees even during the big Christmas rush. Only once that I can remember in the many years I owned the place did I own my own balls and this story is the day I used them.
Standard Customer rush...3 customers wandering around our small store. I am in the closet of a back room while my assistant manager helps a nice couple. An older man and his mid-20's age daughter.
The phone has been ringing every few minutes all morning and when I pick up the phone I either get a freaking squeeeeeel of a fax machine or someone hangs up. My nerves were on edge waiting to see which it would be next. Phone rings...I answer...in the back room remember.
Me: Thank you for calling [Store Name] How many I help you?
:: CLICKKKK::
Me: (Trying to keep my sense of humor...) Well, f**kyouverymuch!
As I hang up the phone, I realize that my voice is loud enough to carry out to the store and I immediately go out and apologize to my assistant, to the customers and to anyone who will listen. The young woman is buying a couple of things for her husband, and laughs off my apology as more chivalrous than needed but the old man is insulted.
HIM: I am a christian preacher, sir, and I am insulted by the way in which you speak in front of my daughter!
ME: Again sir, I apologize, you're absolutely right, such language has no place -
HER: Daddy, it's ok.
HIM: No, we're not doing business in a store where they use that language.
ME: But sir.
HER: But Daddy, I want to get these for -
He ushers her out the door and I'm standing there with my mouth open. Rats. Missed a sale. I turn to my assistant manager who is also seeing a commission walking out the door and I mutter an apology again. Now, wandering the store is another man of about moderate age (I was 25 at the time, and this guy was not much older, maybe 30-35) who hears this muttered apology and decides that he needs to add to my hell.
JERK: I have to agree with the preacher. Talking like that in front of customers is terrible!
ME: Well, I was in the back room, AND I did apologize, twice... so I think I did what I could to assuage the situation. (Yes, I said 'assuage' and I'd do it again!)
JERK: Well, maybe the manager or owner should be told of how you talk in front of customers.
ME: (this is where my balls in come into play) Well, sir...as I stated, I WAS in the back room, but it so happens that I AM the manager, in fact I own this place, so it gives me great pleasure in asking you to take your pompous ass elsewhere.
JERK: I imagine that the management of this mall would like to hear how you talk in front of your customers!
I snap. I reach up on a shelf where we have pre-printed maps of the mall (it's a new mall) and snatch one down for the Jerk, laying it out on the counter.
ME: (in a very over sincere voice) Ok, here we are (circling our shop with a nice fat Sharpie Pen in permanet black) and here is the Mall Office (I circle it for the Jerk and make a dotted line between the two while explaining) You just walk around the fountain there and down the hall. Ask for Mr. Smith,who is the mall manager. (Handing the map to the Jerk, who, oddly enough, takes it and looks at it) Now, you go down there and you try and tell to Mr. Smith how he has ANYTHING to say about how I run my business!
The customer leaves and I quickly pick up the phone and call the Mall Manager (who I know as a friend) I tell him the whole story and he just sighs. Oddly enough, the jerk never showed up at the Mall office. My employees called me Psycho for a few weeks after the encounter.
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