Nashville = You can't get there from here!

I live in Nashville which most people know as "Music City" thanks to the prevalence of music, music venues and country music entertainers who live here (some of them are actually good..or so I hear). Nashville is also known as "The Athens of the South" and even sports the largest reproduction of the Parthenon anywhere in the world. You say "Athens of the South" and you envision a city of beauty, of charm and of intelligence and for the most part, that is so. What is decidedly NOT so, is the typical Suthun backward thinking that prevails in the city planning among other places.

Let's take a look at a couple of these... In this first photo, you will see a small park not far from the State Capital building. It is directly across the street from the massive new library (which is just out of sight on the left) and only 2 blocks from the state capital building. The entire park is about the size of two standard household plots and covers the end of the whole block as you can see in this pic. At the time this photo was taken (by yours truly), the city was in the middle of cutting down all the trees in the park AND removing all the well designed sitting areas!! Apparently, the wonderful original design of the park, with it's long cement seating and large shade trees had become a gathering place, not for local business people and tourists, but for the large and seemingly unwieldy homeless population. By taking away the shade and seating, the park would hopefully become less attractive to them. Amazingly, it became less attractive to the business people and tourists, too. Go figure.

Next, Exhibit #2 shows the recently demolished "Bus Sheds". The Bus sheds were nicely designed covered areas for those waiting for the city buses at the Downtown Hub. Solid steel with wagon wheel like arches, curved roofs and plenty of Plexiglas achieved an open airy feel and at the same time kept people dry. One block long The 8 "sheds" lined both sides of the 4 lane downtown street as this was the central 'hub' for the city bus lines. Recently, the new "Music City Central" bus station was opened and the 'hub' moved in, leaving the sheds to be demolished. Now, along with the sheds, the city planners have also opted to take this wonderful 4 lane street with it's wide sidewalks, and - that's right, cut it down to only TWO Lanes, and even WIDER sidewalks. Sidewalks wide enough for a marching band to practice. This street runs right in front of the big performing arts center (TPAC). On an average night of performances, cars will be parked out front and be picking up people, along with taxis and limousines. Who's idea was it to make this more difficult?

This is one of those things which defines and yet obliquely insults the Suthunah. We have so much and at the same time so little. New Highways are wide and spacious for driving interstate speeds, only to have a bottle neck where right of ways or design flaws cause more cars than needed to have to get through a 2 lane tunnel. I might expect this in a large city where 'too many planners spoil the plans', but Nashville, a city of just over half a million people, covers more square mileage than Dallas, a city of 1.2 million. With all that room, you'd expect there to be a better idea of what to do with it.

In addition, it makes me wonder if other cities across the south, in similar situations are likewise plagued with such problems, and it likewise makes me a bit afraid to travel much across my new native land...The South.

I suppose it's also one of those little idiosyncrasies that endear us to this southern life, that cause us to look past the little irritations and see the great city. Let me squint up a bit here...Oh yeah, now I see it!

Suthunaz and Toilets - they 'GO' together...

After last weeks discussion of the position of the toilet seat, I thought I'd take a more lighthearted look at how Suthunaz look at that most private of functions. Here's a good ol' boy relaxing on the throne.
There are a few aspects of this picture which make it unique suthun. First, of course, is the fact that this is not an "Indoor Privy", but rather than being down the path a bit, it's right there next to the door to the house. Note also there is a door handle next to the door, but no door to speak of. How handy! Next, is the obvious placement of the 'refill' beer both to his left and to his right. I won't include the fact that this is a trailer - uh, oh, mobile home.., I figure that's a given.

But most importantly, is the central subject. Where to begin? No shirt, but he was wearing pants. He was wearing pants, but he's wearing flip flops. At least he's wearing underwear! (thank god!) He's talking on a wireless telephone so we could even say that he's "multi-tasking". (How high tech!)

But most importantly is the fact that if you look close, you can see that there is no plumbing attached. No, I don' think that there is a hole under that toilet, I'm pretty sure that this guy had this toilet sitting on his porch, and a friend said "Hey, Bubba, you know what y'ought'n do?" To which our subject replied, "Whut?" "You oughta get yer picher made on that there toilet HAW HAW HAW!"

You never finish a statement like that with a HAW HAW HAW, else it becomes a dare. Our subject poses on the porcelain and history is caught in a single click of the camera. It may also explain the fact that there are two beers, but of different brands. One for Bubba, and the other for the erstwhile photographer.

Here are a few more uniquely suthun toilet shots.
Mmmm TASTY!
Ah, what form, what style and grace!

Same game, different player?
The tongue makes this an additional interest.. as in "Just what IS he licking off his chin?"

I won't go there....

The Toilet Seat Conspiracy

The position of the Toilet seat has been the subject of more jokes, discussion and I wager, even a few divorces than I could probably want to name. A recent movie I watched even used it as a clue to the location of the killer. The toilet seat. Up or Down? (In the movie, the UP Toilet seat proved that a man had been in the room recently.) In fact, this blog garnered a wonderful argument with my wife when I first posted this diatribe, but a rewrite may help. So, let's see...

Who's in charge of this whole problem? Not the women, that's for sure (are you reading the sarcasm in that?) In essence, yes, the women as a whole ARE to blame, for creating - or at least propagating - the Conspiracy itself. The Toilet Seat Conspiracy Theory is that MEN are in charge of the position of the toilet seat and leaving the seat in the UP Position is tantamount to a declaration of War. I've known couples to nearly come to blows over the position of the toilet seat. Women INSIST that men should put the seat down after they are done. Their reasoning is that more times the seat is needed down, so why not return it? THIS IS THE CONSPIRACY! Now before we go on, we must clarify, the SEAT is that part where you SIT when you need to sit. We're not talking about the Lid. The discussion of Lid: Up or Down may be saved for another article. And to be sure, in our house we have a cat who, if left to her own devices, will "play" in the toilet bowl, leaving quite a mess. So, by that need, our lids are always closed. Both parties must look and raise the lid before use. And all must return the lid to it's closed position. This RULE in our house works well as it is universal.

Now, Closing the lid may seem to some to be just a 'courtesy' to the next user but again, this is not where my attention is directed. I am directing this expose' at those women who insist that the seat be where they can use it without looking whenever the need arises.

You see, that's the real reason that women insist on having the seat down (though very few will admit it) - WOMEN DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LOOK FIRST! That's right. They feel somehow it is their right to merely back into position and have the seat in position for them. Did their mother's teach them this? Handed down Mother to Daughter for generations? "Don't look, sweety, just back up to it and sit. The seat will be there...it has been ordained thus!"

Yes, it's true. And women know it's true! I knew one woman who many times sat down without looking and got her backside rather wet from not having the seat in place. Whose fault is that? Mine for not returning the seat to the DOWN position or Hers for not looking before she sat down on the [raised] seat? You know where I contend the fault lay.... And there are a lot of women out there who won't admit that they also don't look first, when in fact, they insist that men SHOULD look first. And it's not just the "Do you sprinkle when you tinkle, then please be neat and raise the seat" kind of thing. If a man were to need the seat up for cleaning, repairing or maybe because he spent his lunch hour at Taco Bubba's putting away several of Bubba's Burrito Bombs (with the Devils' HellFire Sauce and extra onions!) he would of course, look first and raise the seat as needed. It's the seemingly unnecessary rule of returning the seat to its down position for no other reason than it be ready for 'her highness' to back up to that I rail against. The rule is only for men, so that women don't have to look before they sit!

There have even been those women (my wife) who state that the seat's natural 'position' is in the horizontal, or down position, and thus it should always remain thus.  AH, but this argument does not include the LID!  Remember the lid? That nice cover which keeps my own cats from leaving messy little paw prints all over the bowl and parts of the newly decorated bathroom?  If our argument above is to be believed, then the LID must ALSO be kept in the horizontal/down position.  But if a man were to do this, he'd also get in trouble as again, women don't want to look first!

Rules, like laws, should be as close to 100% universal as possible. In the question of the toilet seat, the rule is closer to only 50% and therefore unfair. It could be argued that the rule about women not going topless in public is also not fair, but this is not a rule or law which I am able to change. Toilet Seats are well within my purview.

So, what we agree needs to exist is a rule about toilet seats which is closer to universal (or at least as close as possible.) Given that the seat may be left up or down at any given time and that either a man or a woman may need to use the toilet at any given time, the only RESPECTABLE answer is that BOTH men and women adhere to a simple yet 100% UNIVERSAL rule:

LOOK FIRST, ADJUST AS NEEDED.

Let's test our new rule with a couple of test subjects, one of each gender set.

MEN: A man enters to use the toilet. The seat can be in either (a) up or (b) down position. Using the new rule, the man LOOKS at the seat. He examines his need and adjusts the seat according to need: up or down. Does the rule work in this instance? Yes. Ding Ding! (ok, I love sound effects and background music, let's try not to dwell on it.) Yes, the rule works, we are now at about 50%.

WOMEN: A woman enters to use the toilet. (No, the man is not there, he left, get that image out of your head.) The seat can be in either (a) up or (b) down position. Using the new rule, the women LOOKS at the current position of the seat and adjusts to meet her need. (And let's face it, ladies, there ARE times when you DO want the seat up, like when you've spent the evening at Taco Bubba's scarfing down those fat 5 for a dollar Burritos followed by a wild night of drunken debauchery at the 'Skank Whole' Nightclub throwing dollar bills at the male strippers and imbibing an inordinate amount of dollar shots and cheap Margaritas. (Oh yes, there will be seat adjustments!) Does the rule work here? Yes. Even when Bubba's 5/$1 wonders are fighting the Monday Margaritas from the Skank Whole for an exit, (from either end) the rule still works. Ding ding! We are now at 100% Universal.

So it would seem to me that we can end a lot of arguing, a lot of divorces and a lot of wet fannies in the world if we all agree that a universal non-gender specific rule is in order for the Toilet Seat Dilemma. LOOK FIRST, ADJUST AS NEEDED. So, let's get the word out, Men - and ladies! The new rule: Look first, adjust as needed.

We won't, just yet, come up with a rule for staying away from Taco Bubba's or the Skank Whole and save that for another day.

The Suthun Man's Toolbox - Duck Tape

It has been called one of the great wonders of the modern world. (I have an altar to the stuff in my work shed.) It's sticky on one side and silver on the other (and even comes in colors these days!) It is one of those tools that belongs in every Suthun Man's toolbox, in ANY tool box for that matter. (Fun fact: Duck Tape is one of the very few items to have been taken to the moon which was not specifically designed for space travel.)

I've seen Suthun Men (and women) use Duck Tape for car repair, furniture repair, and even clothing repair. There are more uses for it than I can name here. It's an incredible tool. It is called Duck Tape - not DUCT Tape.  (Using Duck Tape on an air duct will actually dry it out, thus it is not good for use on Air Ducts, but I digress...) Duck Tape gets it name from a nickname for the product given to it by military personnel when it was introduced to them back in WWII. The tape was designed as a quick repair for boxes of ammunition as it was always sticky, and water repellent. Soldiers began calling it DUCK Tape since water rolled off it like water off a ducks back. The name stuck.

Now that we've had our history lesson, let's see just how inventive our Suthun Friends can be with this wonderful product.

With a lot of cardboard and a couple of rolls of duck tape, you can create a nice 'Suthun Hummer' - though not quite as 'armored' as the original.

Better yet, with enough duck tape, you can do complete body work.

If your little one has trouble with 'leakage' a bit of judiciously applied duck tape might be just the answer.

(The parent here has at least given his charge a LIGHT beer...)

The Uses and Abuses of Duck Tape have been documented across the internet. If you think you have a new and unique use for it, chances are someone somewhere has already done it. So, I shall leave you with this final consideration: Babysitting.

The Lawn Ranger

The lawn mower is the lynch pin in the arsenal of the Lawn Ranger. Without it, he's like Thor without his hammer, Sosa without his bat, or Hillary without Clinton. (They're all tools, get it? but I digress...)

Two weeks ago I told the story of the demise of Big Stumpy and his associate in grime, Rocky. (They will sing songs and write poems about it someday...) I also pointed out that I had to buy a new lawn mower. The story of the lawn mower makes for an interesting (hopefully) story, too.

Note to self: If you hit a stump you kill a lawn mower. Good information that. The first time I hit a small stump, the mower continued to work, but had a heavy vibration in it. The second time, the mower wouldn't start. Dead. I took a moment of silence and began my nightmare.

Places that work on mowers won't give you a quote over the phone. No, really, it's true. They have to actually LOOK at the machine to be able to give you a quote. In addition, they want to charge you for the time it takes to look at your pathetic fossil fuel powered friend and laugh. (Hey, Charlie, get a load of this! He hit a stump and wants to know how much to fix it! HAW HAW HAWWWW) This happened all in my mind and I was not about to be laughed at by a couple of Suthunas in coveralls and charged for the pleasure. In addition, let's face it, I couldn't afford the fee.

A few months back a local hardware store gave us a credit card with a ludicrous credit limit. This after we had redecorated most of the house and put it all on "another card." It's one of those "All-in-One" stores with lumber and washers and dryers alongside your nice Mattocks (with the nigh indestructible polycarbonate handle) but I hesitate to give their name as I really don't want to advertise for anyone. I also don't want them to rethink the ludicrous credit limit. So we headed over there to check out the Lawn Mowers.

We examined the whole line and spoke with a nice intelligent man who gave us the stats on each model, and for obvious reasons ($$$) we chose one. Being the careful buyer I am, we took a night to think on it. The next day we were back with the model in mind; but as we approached the door, my lovely wife spied some mowers sitting out down at the far door. Upon inspection and a little help from a salesman, we discovered that these were John Deere mowers, refurbed and for sale for $100 off the original price. That $100 off put the price right at where we were about to buy an inferior brand and came with the John Deere 2 year warranty, so in short: we bought it. (That's the model in the pic above...)

The first time I ran it, it ran rough. So, back to the store. They gave me a song and dance (really, full orchestra and everything) about it being 'gravity fed gas tank' and they cleaned and replaced the spark plug (for free) and sent me on my merry way. One week later, same scenario, so I took the machine back and insisted on it being repaired. Hey, it came with a warranty, so why not?

A few days later my wife gets a call from some Jack Ass (no that's not his name but it's what I call him) who says he's from John Deere and needs to pickup the mower. She tries to tell him that the mower is in the hands of the Hardware folks, but he's a bit too Suthun to understand. So, now it becomes my endeavor to make sure what is REALLY going on with my mower. 2 Full days of 1) Phone Tag, 2) "Oh you just missed him..." and finally I had to get the manager on the phone. Then I get a call from the Lawn Mower guy to explains that he's getting me a new mower. "Ooooo!!" says I..."a NEW MOWER?" (Do New Mowers come with that New Mower Smell like new cars? Ooooooo) I was fairly fainting with the vay-pahs at the thought!

A few days later I pick up my new mower and they are nice enough to load it in the back of the Jeep. (It's still in the box, and I'm dancing around like a 3 year old who has to pee) and my nice neighbor helps me unload it in the driveway. It takes another few days until I test it out, but It was absolutely amazing.

There is nothing and I mean NOTHING like a lawn mower with REAR wheel drive. As the bag gets heavier, the mower gets better traction and it climbs hills with ease. You cannot walk too fast or too slow, it adjusts with your speed as you push on it. It worked so well that the string trimmer was spurred into working long enough to trim the entire yard. I had finished the front and back in the time it used to take me to do just the front.

With my lawn now coming under control, I feel a bit closer to being accepted as one of the locals. Next, I have to save up for a riding lawn mower, or maybe I'll end up getting my neighbor to help me do this:

NASCAR

If you're planning on living in the South, you gotta know a little about NASCAR Auto Racing. NO, not just any racing of motorized vehicles, it has to be NASCAR. Fer instance: What do those letters mean? NASCAR stands for National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. Like some religious cult with several charismatic leaders vying for supremecy, NASCAR has fans who follow their respective favorites with a fervor not unlike the followers of Jim Jones only instead of Kool Aid it's gasoline. They intone the names of their favorites like catholic saints: Gordon, Waltrip, and of course Earnhardt (No. 3).



This picture is all over the internet. It shows a true fan. He's got his girlfriend/wife/significant other to carve the number "3" into the hair on his back. But it shows even more than that. Look at the track. It's like they are in a plane flying by overhead! They are in the 'nose bleed' section but that doesn't dampen their enthusiasm for the event. I imagine they truley enjoyed the experience, too. Me? I'm afraid to say I get bored watching car races. Any car races for that matter. I mean, what's to see? The cars go round the track. The cars go round the track. The cars go round the track The cars...zzzzzz

I'm amazed watching the races on TV. Amazed at the true intensity of the fans. I find myself watching the crowds in the stands more than the cars on the track. Fueled with beer and the exhaust fumes, they can get rowdier than a Manchester United Football match. (Look it up...) They cheer as the cars go by, hefting their drinks in salute and then they compare notes, knowledge and place bets while the cars go round the far side of the track, only to do it all again as the pack screams by again.

Some will say that the fans only go to see the accidents. Not so. Ok, so there are a few who do go hoping to see a bit of blood and oil on the tarmac, but the true fans, TRUE FANS go to cheer their favorites, tracking the standings like wall street investors and trading stories of the pit crews with those who they find around them in the stands. True Fans hate to see the accidents. They want to see every car in that last lap, vying for the finish line the roar of the engines drowned out by the cacophony from the stands. True Fans go for the race.

Nashville recently got a new Super Speedway so now I can avoid going to Local NASCAR races as well as those out of town. Someday, I know one of my 'truly' southern friends is going to invite me to a race and I will have to go. Maybe then I will truly understand the excitement, but until then, I think theres a race on TV and I've been a hankerin a nap.

Between the Stump and the hard place...

Things grow fast in the south. I mow the lawn once a week and sometimes twice. The vines and trees can get out of control. With a big pruner I can cut off the suckers and vines, but sometimes I miss a few and they end up growing into bushes. Cut them down and that leaves a stump. Some of these stumps are small, and some are big.

For the last two weeks I've been working on my yard, trying to get these stumps out of the ground. I won't go into the story (too much) of the new lawn mower, but I will point out that those little stumps left over from the small suckers and trees you cut down can jump up out of the ground and attack your defenseless mower when you least expect it. One of them did jump up and killed my old trusty lawn mower. That's when I went on a rampage taking out the little stumps. (Visualize Rambo with a pith helmet.)

I felt kinda like Superman when the first two stumps popped out of the ground the first weekend. They came out of the ground like I was harvesting carrots! Then I went after my nemesis: Big Stumpy. Big Stumpy is a conglomeration of sucker stumps and god-knows-what that have grown together over time and I finally just lopped it off at near ground level to get rid of the thing. What I was left with is a troll like massive ugly stump that can only be called "Big Stumpy". Ok, I'm making light, but this thing is about 24 inches across at the widest point and still had little green shoots coming out of it every so often. Big Stumpy wasn't hidden in the grass like the little ones so there is no chance he was going to kill any of my fossil fuel powered friends, but once I got started (and over zealous) I knew it would be a fight to remember. Like the Rumble in the Jungle, this would be known as Brawn on the Lawn....ok, stop giggling and we can move on...



Stumpy gave me quite a battle I have to say that. When L'il Stumpy killed the lawn mower and I bought a new one, I also picked up a Mattock, also known by some as a 'Pick-axe'. With a heavy head and a hickory handle, it's one of those things which can almost change your DNA to SUTHUN as you carry it out of the store. Testosterone covered the handle as I brought it out the first time. The Mattock is what helped me to kill the two little stumps and I was sure that it would serve me well in my efforts with Big Stumpy.

The first skirmish with Big Stumpy was a a draw. I dug a bunch of dirt out from around it, and sweated a lot into the 90 degree weather. Big Stumpy squatted in his big hole and stayed solid. The following weekend, I was out there again, determined to make a dent of some kind. This is where Big Stumpy showed me his toughest side. He broke the Mattock. I heard it snap, and I couldn't' believe it. I nearly shed a tear. I mean it's not like Hickory grows on trees, I mean...uh...well, ok so it does.

I went to the store and picked up a new Mattock., but not another of the standard with the hickory handle. THIS ONE has an unbreakable polycarbonate handle with a lifetime guarantee. Big Stumpy was quivering in his big hole when I hauled the tool out of the back of the Jeep. I squared my cap on my head, snugged my gloves on and waded in.

Right away, I found out that Big Stumpy had a hidden partner. "Rocky." Buried right there beside the stump was a rock easily as big as the stump itself and was the main reason that Stumpy had so easily resisted my efforts to break him. The mattock broke off a piece of it, but it was the unbreakable polycarbonate handle that allowed me to lever the big grey beast out of the ground. With Rocky out of the way, Big Stumpy didn't have a chance. In only minutes I had him laying on the ground beside the big hole screaming for mercy. He got none.



The only bad part to this is that none of my Suthun neighbors was around to see my victory. I carried Dead Stumpy out to the wood pile as a big SUV drove by - someone I didn't know - but he saw the stump and saw my victory. He did exactly what I'd expect from a fellow Suthunah...He nodded. I nodded back.

I tossed Dead Stumpy in the woodpile. Later, I set Rocky in the garden. The Mattock with the polycarbonate handle hangs in the place of honor in the tool shed.