I Didn't See You There - Tee Time Edition

I found this recently on a weekend trip to a local store. It's a camouflaged bag for carrying golf clubs. Now, at first, I was taken with the unique design; overlapping both the bold camo with standard piping on pockets and edging. 

Then I got to wondering, Is this really a problem on golf courses?  Is the bold solid color design of the bag detrimental to one's score? Does it help when you approach the tee so as to not scare the ball? And of course, shouldn't the golfer also wear camo Sansa-belt slacks and camo hat and maybe have a set matching camo drivers?

The thing about camo is that, beyond my meager attempts at humor, it's a Southern thing.  You won't find Tiger Woods sporting Camo polo shirts or on any of the links north of the Mason Dixon - or anywhere for that matter. Camo is The South.

Perhaps it's even time for me to purchase my first camo gear...maybe some pants, or a hat.  Here in the South, even Nashville - the MID South, I can find Camo gear everywhere.  Now, I just have to decide: Pants?  Hat? Golf Bag?  Perhaps a new Pith Helmet?

Decisions, Decisions...

Roll on, Roller Girls, Roll On!

When I was a kid, I remember seeing the Roller Derby on TV. It was usually Saturday afternoon, all the cartoons were over and there was something hypnotic about watching those skating babes demons going around and around that small track.  Ok, yeah, it was cool when someone got knocked out of the track, too.  I was a kid, so sue me.

Roller derby got its start as far back at the late 1800s, with endurance races and the like. With the advent of Television, Roller Derby made its mark and from the 1950s (when I was a kid) the Roller Derby grew into a legitimate sport. (There were both Men's and Women's teams - but let's face it, we all watched the women's teams more.) Due to the increasingly 'circus' like atmosphere of the games, fans began deserting the the stands and the sport officially closed in the mid 1970s.

Ah, but wait!  Roller Derby has returned!  Starting back in 2001 with the founding of new, local teams and new leagues.  Most, Women only. The way God intended it. Ok, I'm not sexist, but let's face it, All Women Roller Derby just makes more sense! And guys just don't look as good skating.  (Other than Scott Hamilton or Bryan Boytano, that is.  Yes. Digressing again, as usual.)

Today, there are Leagues/Teams in every state of the union and worldwide.  That includes the team above, the Nashville Roller Girls, in Nashville Tennessee. Have I been to a match? No. Will I? Probably not.  But I have to respect anyone who plays such a game.

The Nashville Roller Girls Team is more than just the 6 members you see pictured above. On the team's website, you will find 36 members.  I hesitate to call them 'girls' because one has to be careful what you call someone who uses the professional name "Bettie Rampage," "Firestormer" or "Happy Killmore."  Of course, that's part of the charm, the names.  Who's going to watch a roller match with someone named Suzie Homemaker? Not me.

When I was younger, I took up skating.  I envisioned myself getting good enough to join the Roller Derby and kick some butt!  Then I realized that I could barely stay upright.  And backward skating?  Oh forget it! The reality of it all is, the physical talent needed for Roller Derby is more than I have that's for darn sure - and I'm talking these all female teams!

I can still dream.  Maybe as a coach?   

To Beard or Not to Beard

I've had a beard for over 30 years. I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip, so I've also had a mustache since I first could grow one - I think it was the third grade.  Anyway..  There is something very Southern in having a beard. It seems most everywhere you go in the south, you find beards.  In fact, when you think of great modern beards, you immediately think of Southerners like ZZTOP or maybe these Southern guys:

If you don't know these guys, you're not watching the
TV Show, Duck Dynasty.

These guys have done more for the Southern Beard than just about anyone on the face of the planet.  What's more, they're millionaires.  But, of course, that's not due to the beards.  I'd like to think my beard could make me a millionaire, but that's just not gonna happen. 

Does the beard make the man or the man make the beard?  My own beard used be a full beard, kept at a professional length (what is a professional length?) as you can see the old me there at the right. Yep, that's me. (Yes, it was taken some time ago, but I'm not lying when I say that's me.) I grew the full beard back when I first got to the South and have only trimmed it different ways ever since.  There is something very Southern about a beard.  In my office, we all have beards. All except the ladies, of course.

It is the South, after all. 

It's Time for BARBEQUE!

In my back yard, I have this nice propane grill.  I keep it covered as you can see.  It's a good sized grill, and just a year or two back I rebuilt it with new lava rock and baffles.  It cooks really good and we use it at least once a month.  Yeah.  Once. A. Month.

Here in the South, most true Southerners barbecue several times a week.  Some of them even use their grills all year round.  Grilling is just a part of southern life.  And, since it is, it's important for the true southerner to have their own grill, not only that, some people go to extremes in building the right grill

To give you an idea of what that means, here are a few of the more 'well designed' grills.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun, that's a straight shootin' grill!

I think I know what this guy is serving, and it's not barbecue!

Now, some people go in for these big barbecue competitions.  For that you need something not only big, and professional, but also portable.  Like this:

and then there's this - no trailer hitch needed!

And of course, you can so really large and portable... with this!

This thing is so big it needs a Semi-Tractor to haul it!

Then again, I think I'll stick with my little backyard grill.  My Non-Southern DNA would probably rebel if I tried something that big!

Sweet Baby Jesus Flavored Beer

Here in the South, we love our Beer (with the requisite upper case B). Ok, not me, but most of the guys I know stock in Beer for such special occasions as The Fourth of July, Sunday Football and ... Sunrise.  Beer plays a large part in all our celebrations and relaxing.  And, for the most part, it's specifically a Non-Light Beer (also with the requisite upper case letters.)

Beer is an alcoholic beverage produced by the saccharification of starch and fermentation of the resulting sugar. The starch and saccharification enzymes are often derived from malted cereal grains, most commonly malted barley and malted wheat. Most beer is also flavored with hops, which add bitterness and act as a natural preservative, though other flavorings such as herbs or fruit may occasionally be included.

Now, the reason I went to all the trouble to copy and paste that whole thing up there is that this last weekend. someone sent me a link to the beer above.  It's "Sweet Baby Jesus Chocolate and Peanut Butter Flavored Porter" made by DuClaw Brewing of Maryland. (English porter is a dark style of beer originating in London in the 18th century, descended from brown beer, a well hopped beer made from brown malt.) Let me repeat, in case you glossed over that part in search of my clever digressions...Sweet Baby Jesus CHOCOLATE and PEANUT BUTTER Flavored Beer!  I know what you're thinking - namely: " WTF, Marv? Are you serious?" And the answer is, YES. (All Capitals, too!)

For a couple of days, I've asked my Southern Friends, neighbors, acquaintances and total strangers on the street what would cause them to try a Chocolate and Peanut Butter flavored beer.  The responses varied, from stares of incredulity to loud laughter to sounds of heavy retching. Most agree, Beer should be beer flavored. No orange zest, or flowers or - most assuredly - candy flavoring!  (Though one young person did smile and remark: "Reeses makes a beer?")

Duclaw Brewing is in Maryland, which, because it is SOUTH of the Mason Dixon Line, makes it part of The South. I'm not sure what to make of that, and only guess that some one from the north suggested this beer.  Regardless, I have to admit, I suppose someday I will have to try it.  Until then, I will stick to my diet soda and unoaked chard.  No, I don't drink Unoaked Chard, mainly because I have no idea what it is (or how to capitalize it.) Brother Bubba used the phrase once and I liked it so I kept it.

But something tells me that I would like unoaked chard a bit more than Chocolate and Peanut Butter flavored Beer, let alone regular Non-Light Beer. But such is My Life here in the South (requisite capitals cuz I know it'll drive Bubba crazy!)

A Big Step Toward the Goal

For almost 25 years I've been trying to fit in as a southerner. This last weekend, I came a big step closer. But first, we need to go back a week and sort of build up. It all started a week ago Sunday. It was a sad moment. I had taken off my "pith-helmet' shaped hard hat and set it aside while I worked in the shed, and when I turned back, I found this HOLE in the side of my old hat. I have no idea how it happened. Did I run into a branch or something?  Did I set it down too hard? (It's a freaking hard plastic hard hat, for crying out loud, it's SUPPOSED to take the abuse!) I suppose it's age caught up with it.

After a lot of tears, wailing and gnashing of teeth, the hat sat on our covered back porch for almost a whole week, whilst I pondered its fate. I looked up new hats on the internet (no, you can't find that exact hat) and I checked out possible replacements (there are some with wide brims, but it's just not the same); and finally, I considered repair. 6 days I pondered. Finally Saturday came and it was time for a decision.

Repair.

As a good Southerner, I grabbed my extra large roll of The Silver Savior, Duck Tape, and went at it. (I know somewhere in the house I have a nice roll of white duck tape, but I couldn't find it.) The Duck Tape went on in three layers and in no time it was ready for the yard. Somehow being able to use Duck Tape to repair my trusty hat gave my Southern DNA a kick - AND it doesn't look half bad!

Well, it doesn't look half good either...

But, as long as it keeps the sun off my balding pate, I'm a happy man! In fact, with my new 'Duck Taped' chapeau in place, there seemed to be a new energy to my day, a bit of Southern Zen joined me. 

In no time I had replaced the fuel line on my string trimmer, got the trimmer running, and used it to trim the whole front of the house. I also cleaned the shed out a bit, and got the floor swept. Lastly, I also took my blower and cleaned the sidewalk of all the trimmings from the string trimmer. I was in the Zone, Bubba! 

But most importantly, when I was hooking up the electric blower, I took my 25 ft heavy duty extension cord out and gave it a toss to straighten it out, just like I'd seen my neighbor Bubba do hundreds of times before. Usually, when I do it, the cable ends up in a tangled mess. For the first time ever, the cord flew in a gentle arc, the cable coming out of the wrapped bundle easily, forming an almost straight, but most certainly un-kinked line. It amazed me! I've written about the dang cord and how they confound me no end, so to have one react like that was sheer poetry in motion! I stood there with my mouth open, and then searched the neighbor's lawns for someone who may have seen this miracle. I wanted to show someone, and wouldn't you know, the street was empty of neighbors. Even Neighbor Bubba was not at home.

No matter, I saw it, and I will always remember it. After all, it may be the only time it ever happens to me. It's the first time in 25 years, after all. I can't wait until next week when I have to get out the cable again.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

Planned Obsolescence and Tool Mainenance

Not too long ago, I got a new String Trimmer.  I selected it specifically because of it's quick start AND the ability to add an electric starter later.  The first year, it started easily.  My arm was able to pull-start the trimmer easily without dislocating anything.  The next year, as the trimmer broke in, it began having problems starting regularly, and my arm just couldn't take the strain...so I ended up getting the electric starter and it worked as it should for that entire year.  

Two years of ownership, and this year, it wouldn't start.  Not with the string pull, not with the electric starter and not by cursing at it with a litany of creative epithets. (And I am nothing if not creative in my cursing - just ask the kids from that bible class a neighbor had in their backyard a couple of summers ago.) So, what to do?  One person suggested that it may be time to buy a new string trimmer.  Buy a new one?  It's only TWO FREAKING YEARS OLD!

Hey, looky there, the thing has a 2 year warranty...now exactly when did I buy this...?  Oh yeah, MAY 15.   Great, I took it out of storage exactly 1 week after the warranty ended.  Did they PLAN this?  This is gonna take some genuine Southern ingenuity. Some genuine southern engine maintenance!

First up, a tune up.  Oh wait, these new things can't be adjusted by the average user.  It takes special tools- ! Who's freaking idea was THAT?? Ok, I can at least replace the spark plug. Easily done.  Yet, no change. Fresh gas, with a new mix of oil - again, no change. My arm is getting sore yanking that cord and the electric starter is getting so warm that it shuts off and can't be used for a while.  

Finally, in desperation, I rip the thing apart.  Well, as apart as I rip it. I take out the fuel lines and discover that they are clogged!  A new fuel line and a new in-tank filter and believe it or not it started just like it did that first year!  I didn't even have to use the electric starter!  It ran so good I immediately went out and trimmed all the front yard! 

I was, as you can imagine, ecstatic!  I went out and mowed the next day, preparing to use the trimmer to fully trim the edges front and back.  AND?  It won't start!  More cursing, shouting of disgusting epithets and I nearly threw the thing into heavy traffic.

Maybe a stick of TNT placed in the gas tank...yeah, that might do it.