The War of Northern Aggression

Most every high school graduate in the US has grown up on the story of our Civil War.  And if you ask most of those graduates, they will tell you that the reason for the war was slavery.  The Union fought for equality and the South wanted to keep their slaves.  In part, this is true, but in whole, it's more than that and it's the reason that most Southerners refer to the Civil war as the War of Northern Aggression. (Not me, I always sound like Yosemite Sam when I say something like that; but other people do - other Southern People - and with good reason...I think.)

Now, I'm not going to get into a long dissertation about this as many other political historians have probably already discussed it and discussed it better.  But I will make it easy for you. To whit:

The Southern states decided that the idea of a central constitution would cause the state governments to become forgotten and eliminated. (Seems like a logical thought: Government forgetting the little people, sort of like today...)  Because of this, the South had decided to secede from the Union. Yes, that's the MAIN reason, not the slavery thing.  Ok, so slavery was widespread in the south, but the main reason for secession was the government thing.  And it was not a bad idea really, and since the Colonies had seceded from England citing similar issues, they felt that the Declaration of Independence supported them in this decision. The Political power of the north, swollen with citizens and money, wanted to dominate the South, which was rich with resources.  The South decided that secession from the Union was their only option.  The North responded and the war began.  It was really about control.  Slavery? Yeah, but really? Not so much.

There is a definite undercurrent of dissatisfaction here in the south with the way that the war is presented, in that much of the honor and forward thinking of the South is left out of this part of our history. Oh you won't find large protests, bearded men wearing camouflage, marching about carrying poorly spelled signs. The whole thing is more of a known undercurrent knowledgeable Southerners keep like a Civil War Sabre hanging on the wall over the fireplace where it waits for someone to ask, just ask about its history.  

So, there it is.  If you want to read a really good discussion on this subject, click here.  For more of my Southern Stories, and wry humor and digressions (not that bad, are they?) you can click on some of the great blog entries to the right there.  

And, for the record, I don't have a Sabre, I have a very rare Kool-Aid Bottle. With a history.  So ask, just ask...  

A Hat By Any Other Name

I'm going bald. My brother Bubba will be ecstatic to hear this, as he went bald many years ago and has always held it against me that my hair lasted longer. Regardless, my head is now more exposed to the elements than ever before and here in the South that means sun and southern sun means sunburn. It's time to cover the exposed scalp.

But. Finding a hat to wear is much harder than it used to be. It used to be that you could find a good hat with the logo of your favorite team, favorite sayings and even representing television shows and movies. What I find now, in most stores are like the display above. ADVERTISING. Ok, so most hats we bought before advertised teams or television shows, but now we're talking BRAND LOGOS and most are logos for sports equipment and clothing like the pic above. Oh sure, if you take the time to go to some special place like the stadium or college book store you can find (and pay dearly for) a hat with the right team on it, but I want to find what I'm looking for locally (and no, not Walmart!)

Aside from the visible scalp problem, the Southern Man must have a hat. This heat is oppressive and the southern sun even more so, and even if you do have a natural pelt of thick fur on the top of your head you better have a hat. Now, I do have my old pith helmet with the duck tape repair and even a new one with no duck tape to replace my recently broken one (-thanks to my brother Bubba) but you can't wear a hard plastic pith helmet to the Auto Parts store - Ok, so well maybe you can, but you'd get some pretty heavy stares and maybe even a few caustic remarks. And, I can't go wearing same said helmet out shopping with the wife without her wanting to snatch it off my head and toss it in the trash! Not what I'm after. I just want to protect the pate from burn and heat. So, what to do?

It used to be that these hats were handed out almost with every handful of change when making a purchase. Heavy Equipment, feed stores, auto parts, heck even the local bars and boutiques were giving away hats. (Called baseball caps, ball-caps or trucker's hats depending on your point of view...) Where are they now? I need a hat, but don't want to be wearing the same hat that Justin Beiber might wear or that some douche might wear backwards*! (If anyone sends me a Justin Bieber hat, expect me not to wear it, but to use it to wash my car and store it on the roof of the shed! I digress, but anyone would where JB is concerned.)

There are a couple of these hats hiding in my closet. One is a hat given to me by a heavy equipment company I worked at once. Another is from the Peterbilt company also where I worked for a couple of years. I have one that is from a resort I stayed at in 1996 and a few others, but all these hats have one thing in common. They are old and dirty. It's ok to wear an old and dirty hat when visiting the auto parts store, but when out shopping with the wife, a dirty hat tarnishes your whole appearance.

In the end, I guess I will have to start looking in the sale bins and haunting the thrift stores for the better quality leftovers so that I can get the hat I truly need. Perhaps a John Deer hat to go with my lawn mower, or maybe a Jeep. Only time will tell.

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* For the record, anyone that wears their hat backward is wearing it wrong. Yes, I know it's a fashion statement; but the statement it's making is "I don't know how to wear a hat!" The wide part that sticks out is called a BILL and is for shading the sun from your eyes. The little band in back is for adjusting for size and does not go across your forehead. Let's change this now, Bubba! 

This does NOT say you're cool!
It says you're wearing your hat wrong!

I Didn't See You There - Tee Time Edition

I found this recently on a weekend trip to a local store. It's a camouflaged bag for carrying golf clubs. Now, at first, I was taken with the unique design; overlapping both the bold camo with standard piping on pockets and edging. 

Then I got to wondering, Is this really a problem on golf courses?  Is the bold solid color design of the bag detrimental to one's score? Does it help when you approach the tee so as to not scare the ball? And of course, shouldn't the golfer also wear camo Sansa-belt slacks and camo hat and maybe have a set matching camo drivers?

The thing about camo is that, beyond my meager attempts at humor, it's a Southern thing.  You won't find Tiger Woods sporting Camo polo shirts or on any of the links north of the Mason Dixon - or anywhere for that matter. Camo is The South.

Perhaps it's even time for me to purchase my first camo gear...maybe some pants, or a hat.  Here in the South, even Nashville - the MID South, I can find Camo gear everywhere.  Now, I just have to decide: Pants?  Hat? Golf Bag?  Perhaps a new Pith Helmet?

Decisions, Decisions...

Roll on, Roller Girls, Roll On!

When I was a kid, I remember seeing the Roller Derby on TV. It was usually Saturday afternoon, all the cartoons were over and there was something hypnotic about watching those skating babes demons going around and around that small track.  Ok, yeah, it was cool when someone got knocked out of the track, too.  I was a kid, so sue me.

Roller derby got its start as far back at the late 1800s, with endurance races and the like. With the advent of Television, Roller Derby made its mark and from the 1950s (when I was a kid) the Roller Derby grew into a legitimate sport. (There were both Men's and Women's teams - but let's face it, we all watched the women's teams more.) Due to the increasingly 'circus' like atmosphere of the games, fans began deserting the the stands and the sport officially closed in the mid 1970s.

Ah, but wait!  Roller Derby has returned!  Starting back in 2001 with the founding of new, local teams and new leagues.  Most, Women only. The way God intended it. Ok, I'm not sexist, but let's face it, All Women Roller Derby just makes more sense! And guys just don't look as good skating.  (Other than Scott Hamilton or Bryan Boytano, that is.  Yes. Digressing again, as usual.)

Today, there are Leagues/Teams in every state of the union and worldwide.  That includes the team above, the Nashville Roller Girls, in Nashville Tennessee. Have I been to a match? No. Will I? Probably not.  But I have to respect anyone who plays such a game.

The Nashville Roller Girls Team is more than just the 6 members you see pictured above. On the team's website, you will find 36 members.  I hesitate to call them 'girls' because one has to be careful what you call someone who uses the professional name "Bettie Rampage," "Firestormer" or "Happy Killmore."  Of course, that's part of the charm, the names.  Who's going to watch a roller match with someone named Suzie Homemaker? Not me.

When I was younger, I took up skating.  I envisioned myself getting good enough to join the Roller Derby and kick some butt!  Then I realized that I could barely stay upright.  And backward skating?  Oh forget it! The reality of it all is, the physical talent needed for Roller Derby is more than I have that's for darn sure - and I'm talking these all female teams!

I can still dream.  Maybe as a coach?   

To Beard or Not to Beard

I've had a beard for over 30 years. I have an unsightly mole on my upper lip, so I've also had a mustache since I first could grow one - I think it was the third grade.  Anyway..  There is something very Southern in having a beard. It seems most everywhere you go in the south, you find beards.  In fact, when you think of great modern beards, you immediately think of Southerners like ZZTOP or maybe these Southern guys:

If you don't know these guys, you're not watching the
TV Show, Duck Dynasty.

These guys have done more for the Southern Beard than just about anyone on the face of the planet.  What's more, they're millionaires.  But, of course, that's not due to the beards.  I'd like to think my beard could make me a millionaire, but that's just not gonna happen. 

Does the beard make the man or the man make the beard?  My own beard used be a full beard, kept at a professional length (what is a professional length?) as you can see the old me there at the right. Yep, that's me. (Yes, it was taken some time ago, but I'm not lying when I say that's me.) I grew the full beard back when I first got to the South and have only trimmed it different ways ever since.  There is something very Southern about a beard.  In my office, we all have beards. All except the ladies, of course.

It is the South, after all. 

It's Time for BARBEQUE!

In my back yard, I have this nice propane grill.  I keep it covered as you can see.  It's a good sized grill, and just a year or two back I rebuilt it with new lava rock and baffles.  It cooks really good and we use it at least once a month.  Yeah.  Once. A. Month.

Here in the South, most true Southerners barbecue several times a week.  Some of them even use their grills all year round.  Grilling is just a part of southern life.  And, since it is, it's important for the true southerner to have their own grill, not only that, some people go to extremes in building the right grill

To give you an idea of what that means, here are a few of the more 'well designed' grills.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun, that's a straight shootin' grill!

I think I know what this guy is serving, and it's not barbecue!

Now, some people go in for these big barbecue competitions.  For that you need something not only big, and professional, but also portable.  Like this:

and then there's this - no trailer hitch needed!

And of course, you can so really large and portable... with this!

This thing is so big it needs a Semi-Tractor to haul it!

Then again, I think I'll stick with my little backyard grill.  My Non-Southern DNA would probably rebel if I tried something that big!

Sweet Baby Jesus Flavored Beer

Here in the South, we love our Beer (with the requisite upper case B). Ok, not me, but most of the guys I know stock in Beer for such special occasions as The Fourth of July, Sunday Football and ... Sunrise.  Beer plays a large part in all our celebrations and relaxing.  And, for the most part, it's specifically a Non-Light Beer (also with the requisite upper case letters.)

Beer is an alcoholic beverage produced by the saccharification of starch and fermentation of the resulting sugar. The starch and saccharification enzymes are often derived from malted cereal grains, most commonly malted barley and malted wheat. Most beer is also flavored with hops, which add bitterness and act as a natural preservative, though other flavorings such as herbs or fruit may occasionally be included.

Now, the reason I went to all the trouble to copy and paste that whole thing up there is that this last weekend. someone sent me a link to the beer above.  It's "Sweet Baby Jesus Chocolate and Peanut Butter Flavored Porter" made by DuClaw Brewing of Maryland. (English porter is a dark style of beer originating in London in the 18th century, descended from brown beer, a well hopped beer made from brown malt.) Let me repeat, in case you glossed over that part in search of my clever digressions...Sweet Baby Jesus CHOCOLATE and PEANUT BUTTER Flavored Beer!  I know what you're thinking - namely: " WTF, Marv? Are you serious?" And the answer is, YES. (All Capitals, too!)

For a couple of days, I've asked my Southern Friends, neighbors, acquaintances and total strangers on the street what would cause them to try a Chocolate and Peanut Butter flavored beer.  The responses varied, from stares of incredulity to loud laughter to sounds of heavy retching. Most agree, Beer should be beer flavored. No orange zest, or flowers or - most assuredly - candy flavoring!  (Though one young person did smile and remark: "Reeses makes a beer?")

Duclaw Brewing is in Maryland, which, because it is SOUTH of the Mason Dixon Line, makes it part of The South. I'm not sure what to make of that, and only guess that some one from the north suggested this beer.  Regardless, I have to admit, I suppose someday I will have to try it.  Until then, I will stick to my diet soda and unoaked chard.  No, I don't drink Unoaked Chard, mainly because I have no idea what it is (or how to capitalize it.) Brother Bubba used the phrase once and I liked it so I kept it.

But something tells me that I would like unoaked chard a bit more than Chocolate and Peanut Butter flavored Beer, let alone regular Non-Light Beer. But such is My Life here in the South (requisite capitals cuz I know it'll drive Bubba crazy!)