Southern Advent Calendar

 

I would love to say that I found this under my neighbor Bubba's Holiday tree or hanging on his wall, but in truth, someone sent the photo to me.  The Suthun Advent Calendar is much like most advent Calendars but instead of chocolate, you get...that's right...beer.   I showed this to Neighbor Bubba and his remark was that the designer (designer?) must have been a Nawthunah cuz a true Suthunah would have one case per day and not want to stop at one can per day. "I mean, let's get real here," he said.  "You start drinking beer during Christmas, you do NOT want to stop at one can!"  (Bubba is a true Suthunah.) 

One might wonder at the person who originally designed the 'case' of beer to include 24 cans (or bottles) which is precisely the number of days in Advent.  "Also the number of hours in a day." says Neighbor Bubba.  This must have been a Southerner to be so forward thinking. 

I'd like to take this time to thank you all for another year of readership, and wish you a true Suthun Christmas with BeerVent Calendars and a Non-Psycho Peguin Holiday.  

It's a Psycho Penguin Christmas!

It's a week before Christmas and there's no snow on the ground.  (I love living in the South!)  We headed out grocery shopping yesterday and near our house we spotted this.  This house usually has about a half dozen blow up decorations on the lawn.  You know the type, 8 foot tall blow up decorations that are kept filled by a big fan in the botton and some are even lighted from within. 

At night, the homeowner usually shuts them down to conserve energy but in the early light of morning, you  get a whole new look.  The penguin, front and center is not the inflated type, and thus gives this whole scene a somewhat CSI meets Stephen King sort of look.  

My wife and I looked at this and we both  got the same impression.  The penguin went all Norman Bates on the rest of the lawn gang. (You can almost hear those violins from the shower scene in Psycho going  EEEE EEEE EEEE !)  Even the little Christmas tree at the right is leaning over as if smashed by the Psycho Penguin.  

I slammed on the brakes and was out taking pictures in a flash.  I got back in the car to find my wife singing  "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.  EEEE EEEE EEEE EEE"  - yeah, I''m gonna sleep good now...

All this one is missing is a chalk outline...

Hope you have a good and Very Non Psycho-Penguin Christmas!

Suthunaz are Smarter Than You Think!

I am sick and tired of hearing from my Nawthun Friends about how dumb people are in the South, and I hereby challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Non-Light beers will be consumed before all the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough cut pine. If'n the porch collapses, how many dogs will be injured?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances and non-working automobiles to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road in rural Georgia at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. If the temperature is 100 degrees with an average humidity of 85% on a straight 5 mile long road made of aggregate and asphalt, how many empty beer cans will be added to the roadsides in an 8 hour period?

If you got any of these questions right, then you must be a true Suthunuh - cuz I surely didn't.
This weeks post all in fun. Keep laughing. See you next week.